


Acceptable Losses

by TempestHeart



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angel Powers, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, Deus Ex Machina, Eventual Romance, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, M/M, Post-Cage, Resurrection, Season/Series 06, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-10
Updated: 2015-02-10
Packaged: 2018-03-11 14:04:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 23,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3329066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TempestHeart/pseuds/TempestHeart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After jumping into Lucifer's Cage, Sam expects it to be the end of the line - last stop, final station. What he doesn't expect is waking up back on Earth but with a new set of powers. Searching for answers, he comes to the conclusion that Gabriel is his best bet of getting them. </p><p>Gabriel lies dead at the Elysian Fields, but when has that ever stopped a Winchester?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my entry fo the Sabriel Big Bang of 2014. I have to admit that I'm very proud to have finished this challenge, this was my first BB. 
> 
> I owe the biggest thanks to my beta, the amazing [ThroughTheTulips](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThroughTheTulips). This story would never have been as good without their help and input. So HUGE thanks!
> 
> Also a huge thank you to [Sabriel-Otp](https://sabriel-otp.tumblr.com) for making art for this fic. :) Check it out [here!!!](http://sabriel-otp.tumblr.com/post/110749156209/he-wakes-up-in-a-field-it-is-very-odd-since-he)

He wakes up in a field. It is very odd, since he never expected to wake up at all. Throwing himself in the deepest level of the pit together with Lucifer was supposed to be the end. Last stop, final station. Apparently, it is not. 

Sam remembers everything. Every painful, awful and disgusting second of the centuries he spent in the cage. It hurts. His soul feels like it is torn to pieces, and those tiny pieces burn like fire under his skin. There is a strange layer of numbness on the feelings, though. Like he is feeling them through a thick fog, making the hurt bearable. But there is also something else. There is a feeling of power inside him. A supernatural power, completely different from the demon blood powers he had before. It shakes him, but he does not feel evil. He does not feel like he is wrong, like he is awful or dark. There is no presence of Lucifer in his head, only the agony of having his soul tortured for centuries, although strangely muted. He wonders if this is how Cas felt when came to Earth. Like the emotions are just out of reach and only close enough to feel the surface of them.

He has no idea who saw fit to raise him from the Cage. Personally, Sam thinks he belonged there. Still, he will not look a gift horse in the mouth. If it were not for the strange power inside him, Sam would guess Cas is behind his resurrection. As it is, he has no idea. He will have to look into it, because he wants answers he is pretty sure no one else but the being who raised him might have. He contemplates several possibilities but none make sense. Sam does not deserve to be saved and he knows it. 

He is naked. The grass is tipped with frost, but Sam is not cold. Physically, he does not feel much at all when he actually concentrates on it. He wishes he had some clothes though, mostly for modesty. The thought barely has time to form in his head, before he is dressed in something reminiscent of his regular clothing. A plaid shirt, jeans, jacket and boots. He wishes he was armed, and a silver knife also appears. 

He is not as surprised as he should be. He takes the fact that he now can create things at face value for some reason. It is like he knows that there is not anything wrong with him, it is just different. He cannot even explain it. Instinctively, he closes his eyes and wills himself to a certain street in Cicero, Indiana. There is the rushing sound of angel wings and the feeling of wings sprouting from his shoulder blades. Unfolding his supernatural Grace from his Earthly body, Sam flies. 

Sam watches his brother living a normal life for a while. Dean is safe and happy. He even avoids drinking too much. He is a good man, a loving man. Dean and Lisa have a great relationship; it reminds Sam of the one he once, in another life and time, shared with Jess. Dean has become a father to Ben, the kind of father Sam always wished for. Sam knows that his big brother is a wonderful parent. Dean takes Ben to games, they go to the arcade. They play with water guns in the backyard. Sam does not want to drag Dean into his own problems, away from what he has here. If Sam comes back, Dean will leave his normal life behind. There is also the tiny voice in the back of his head that suggests that Sam is an even bigger freak now than before and that Sam at least partially being an angel might be too big for Dean to handle. Sam wants his brother to be as happy as he can be, and if that involves removing himself from the picture entirely, he will do so. Dean deserves so much more than Sam can give him. 

He looks longingly at his brother one last time, lovingly committing Dean’s face to memory, before taking flight again. He ends up in at a certain grave in the graveyard Greenville, Illinois. He has no idea why he ends up in the town where his mother is buried, but he sits by her grave side while trying to figure out where to go from here. He does feel comforted by the fact that both he and his mother were two Winchesters who made all the wrong choices, for all the right reasons. He is not alone in being a complete screw up, even if Sam’s mistakes are worse than those his mother made. 

There is no one he wants to speak to really, or who would want to speak to him. There is no one with the knowledge to help him, and Sam doubts that he would get a warm welcome with the state he is in, no matter who in the hunting community he turns to. He pretty much burned all his bridges with the whole starting-the-Apocalypse-thing. Sam has never really been a social creature like his brother, so he does not have too many friends and all the friends he has made during the years are either mostly Dean’s friends, dead or from his Stanford days. Sam is so far removed from who he was in college that even the thought of contacting them is laughable. Heaven wants nothing to with him and Sam wants nothing to do with Hell.

He contemplates calling Cas, but decides against it for now. Cas has always been Dean’s angel and best friend. Sam knows Cas considers him to be an abomination and an affront to all heavenly things. He doesn’t presume to be forgiven for opening the Cage and releasing the devil. He might have come from Hell this time, but Sam knows that when his time is up he will be sent back there. There is just no other place for someone like him. He sighs as he stands, closes his eyes, and takes flight. 

He checks in on Bobby. To Sam’s relief he seems to be alive and well. Sam decides not to interfere with his life either. He does not want to inflict himself on anyone.

He flits around the world. Sam sees wonders he has never seen before, but the world has lost its colors. Sam cannot bring himself to feel anything but self-loathing and sadness. He does not eat. The tastes have all changed. He can taste every molecule of everything he tries. It is disgusting. He does not need to sleep. He is haunted by the Cage, so he is grateful for the not sleeping part. Otherwise his nights would probably be riddled with nightmares. It is enough that his mind sees fit to replay Lucifer’s favorite torture methods when he is awake. He finds no information on his own. The amount of accurate lore on angels is scarce; Sam discovers that what he himself already knows is way more than what he can find in his searches. Nowhere can he find information on a human with angelic powers. He is not very surprised, no other human beside him and Adam has been to the Cage. No humana apart from them has ever had to withstand the horror of the deepest pit of Hell. Sam is happy for that at least.


	2. Chapter 2

The turning point comes on an evening in Hong Kong. Sam stumbles upon a dying dog. The dog is whimpering in pain, and Sam assumes it has been hit by a car. It looks that way by the wounds and the leg that is bent out shape. He crouches down to the ground and gently pets the fur of the dog, wishing he could heal it. To his own surprise – he does. The dog yips happily and bounces around Sam’s legs when it realizes that Sam has taken care of its wounds. Sam cannot help but laugh, and for the first time since he woke up in that nondescript field Sam feels the warmth of a positive emotion come over him. 

He hugs the dog close and smiles widely as the dog wags its tail and plants slobbery dog kisses all over Sam’s face. He decides then and there that he will take the dog with him and that he now has found a purpose with this lonely existence. He will use his gift for good. He will stay on his own with the dog as his companion, but he will try to mend as much damage he has caused as he can with the powers he has been given. He will try to find out why he has been remade this way on his own. He will, one way or another, find out why he has gained the powers of an angel.

He names the dog Riot. He is not sure why. The Australian shepherd seems to like it, as he responds to it almost immediately. Sam spoils him with the best food, long walks and lots of cuddling. He feels that Riot spoils him too, with the easy affection without any judging of what Sam has done, what he is and who he was before. Riot loves Sam and Sam loves Riot. Sam loves the fact that there is at least one being in the universe who does not hate, but loves him unconditionally.

They touch down in Carthage. Sam immediately hates it. Riot must sense it, because he presses even closer to Sam than usual. The town is an abandoned mess still, even if it has been over a year since Lucifer visited and killed over half the population. Sam wishes he could revive them all, but he is a realist. A lot of those people have never heard of the supernatural, and resurrecting them would probably bring more harm than good. Sam heads determinedly to the hardware store. The layers of soot and dust are thick and Riot cowers by the door as Sam heads inside. Sam understands him. Riot looks at him, undecided, but he follows Sam, even if he looks hesitant as he does so.  
He kneels in front of the two burnt out skeletons that he knows are Ellen and Jo. He closes his eyes and touches them. Slowly, he remakes them in as perfect detail as he can. He manages to create two bodies, now he needs to put their souls back inside. He has no idea how to actually resurrect anyone but he imagines it cannot be too hard with the power he has inside him. He closes his eyes and concentrates. The power inside him is a heady rush as he strains every nerve to resurrect the two. They both start breathing. Sam panics. He has not planned this far ahead. He does not want to be seen by anyone, he does not want to have to explain himself. He grabs them both, feeling wonder at how light they are. He calls Riot over and they take flight. 

Sam has not wanted to visit Bobby’s yard more than once since he was resurrected. He gently puts down the sleeping women in the corner of the yard before moving away so that he will not be spotted. He waits for them to wake up. It takes a while, but Sam barely feels the time passing. Riot sleeps peacefully as Sam pets his fur. It is not until the sun begins to descend that Jo wakes up. 

Sam hears her gasp, and looks on in fascination as she slowly sits up, looking around her and looking down at her stomach. There is not even a scar from the hell hounds; Sam has made sure of it. He does not want Jo to have any reminders of what happened in Carthage.

“What the hell-?” Her voice is loud in the evening silence and it might be the best thing Sam has ever heard. The widening of her eyes as she spots her mother is beautiful. Seeing Jo alive and breathing is worth all the loneliness and angst Sam has felt since he woke up. 

“Mom? Mom!” Jo shakes Ellen awake. Ellen wakes up much in the same fashion as Jo, gasping for breath and looking around in confusion after slowly sitting up. “Mom?”

Jo is crying and so is Ellen. The two women hug each other tightly. Sam gets tears in his eyes as Ellen kisses Jo’s forehead again and again and saying, “My sweet baby girl”. Sam smiles as they continue to hug and cry happy tears.

“Mom, how…?” Jo does not finish the sentence but both Ellen and Sam understand what she is asking. Sam contemplates revealing himself but decides against it. He simply has none of the answers he knows they will be looking for. It saddens him that they will think he is dead, but he is happy that he in some small way have contributed to make the world right again  
.   
“I don’t know, honey. But I know where we are, so let’s ask Bobby.” Ellen does not let go of her daughter as they stand up, keeping one arm around Jo like she cannot believe this is real. Sam understands her. He would not believe it himself, especially without any sort of explanation or clue. 

Sam looks on as Bobby subjects Jo and Ellen to all manner of tests he can come up with. Then he looks on as he begins to understand that they are human and alive. Sam is surprised by the kiss Ellen and Bobby share then, but he is also even more certain that he made the right decision to bring the women back. Smiling, he closes his eyes and takes flight.


	3. Chapter 3

He ends up in the Swiss Alps. He likes it there. The snow is never cold to him now, and absurdly enough, he feels the least lonely when he is away from people. Riot likes the snow too. He rolls around in it and yips happily every time Sam indulges him and throws snowballs. He tries to think of other people who he should bring back. He is certain there is a ton of them, but he cannot bring back people without any knowledge of the supernatural. That is the limitation he sets for himself. Everyone who knows is fair game. 

But he also starts to worry a little. He has been completely unable to find any information on his own situation and all he can think of now is calling Cas. He is reluctant to do so, but he concedes the fact that Cas is probably the only person who could and would give him answers. He is not as blasphemous as Dean when he prays to Castiel, so he kneels in the snow and closes his eyes. 

“Dear Castiel, angel of the Lord. I’m in need of... advice and possibly assistance. If you could come down and talk to me for a while, I’d appreciate it. Thanks.” He hesitates before adding: “Amen.”

He waits. Nothing happens. He does not want to let Riot sleep in the cold, so they fly back to the U.S. and Sam checks them in at a decent motel in a small town outside of Denver, Colorado. He tries praying again.

“Dear Castiel, if you have time to come down and help me for a little while, I’d really appreciate it. I’m at the Super 8 in Castle Rock, Colorado. Room number 114. Okay. Thanks. Amen.”

Riot looks as him funny as he kneels on the floor while he is praying. Sam cuddles the dog as he waits for Cas’ response. There is none forthcoming. Sam waits for a week, praying several times a day. Come Saturday he has had enough. He is not petty enough to call Cas on his vanishing act, he simply decides to move on. He is angry until he realizes that Cas might not even be alive. Then he feels bad for being increasingly upset with the angel. He tries to concentrate on his final memories before the Cage but it is all blurry. He remembers the Holy Oil Molotov cocktail, but not what happened after. He hopes Cas is alright, and sends him an apologetic prayer for being an ass.

It takes him a while to think of someone he can save, before he realizes who to get next. This time it takes some preparation. He thinks it through and plans it as carefully as he can. First, he needs to locate the graves of everyone involved. It is not too hard. Sam has research countless burial sites during his years as a hunter, and recent burials are even easier than those that took place several hundred years ago. 

He locates the graves of Victor Henriksen, Nancy, the sheriff, the deputy and the second FBI agent. Not a single person in that police station deserved to die for helping Sam and Dean. Sam knows it has been a long time for them, but he is convinced they can make themselves fit back into life again. It takes some travelling, but he manages to resurrect them one by one. He is prepared; they are all asleep as he gathers them in the same corner of Bobby’s scrap yard as he put Ellen and Jo in. This time, he writes a note. Well, he prints one at a library – because he does not want anyone to put two and two together and he knows Bobby will, even if no one else can. People always underestimate Bobby, but Sam knows not to. He puts the note in the hand of Agent Henriksen before hiding himself. 

For the first time since waking up, Sam feels tired. He supposes that resurrecting several people at once has taken its toll. He decides to rest up for a while as soon as he returns to Riot in Castle Rock. 

This time, the resurrected wake sooner. The confusion is even more evident in their faces than in Ellen’s and Jo’s, especially after Agent Henriksen reads the note aloud.

_Thank you for your brave sacrifice. You were pulled into something that you didn’t understand and yet you fought bravely. For that, you are rewarded. I’m sorry it took me so long, but you’re back on Earth again. It’s been almost two years, but I’m sure you will all manage to get back to your lives. Right now, you are at Bobby Singer’s scrapyard. He can help you, he is a hunter. So are Ellen and Jo, who also are newly resurrected. Thank you once again, and I’m sorry you were dragged into this. Live well._

“Is it… God? Did God put us back?” Nancy looks at the others wide eyed.

Agent Henriksen shakes his head slowly. “I don’t know… I think God would maybe have left more than a note.” He pauses. “Besides, this sounds a lot more personal than I think God would write.” He looks around the area with suspicion evident in his gaze. Sam is not worried, if he does not want to be seen, he will not be. He is not sure how he can be so certain of that, but he is. 

Nancy looks at the paper in the Agent’s hand. “Yeah, you’re right,” she says reluctantly, before looking up at Bobby’s house. “I guess we should move on. I for one really want to see my family again as soon as possible if it’s been two years.” 

Sam snorts to himself. God does not even leave a note, from what he knows of God’s kind of resurrection. He follows them to the house and watches as Bobby and Ellen performs the same tests as Bobby did when Ellen and Jo got back. When they are done, once again with Bobby giving the verdict that they are all human, Bobby looks at the sky and mutters to himself. 

“What the hell is going on up there? Cas, you idjit.” 

That answers that question at least. Castiel is not dead; he is just ignoring Sam’s prayers. To what end, Sam does not know. Sam privately thinks it might be because Sam has outplayed his usefulness in Cas’ eyes. Or the fact that he does not have to make nice with Dean’s brother anymore. 

Sighing, Sam takes flight again and ends up back at the motel in Castle Rock. He takes Riot for a walk as he tries to think of other venues of information that he has not explored yet.   
He can only come up with three ideas:

1\. Hell  
2\. Bobby’s library  
3\. Heaven

Sam almost immediately crosses Bobby’s library off of the list. That would demand that he answers questions that he has no answers for. It would probably also lead to Bobby forcing him to contact Dean and then in the end, Dean coming to Bobby’s and leaving his good, normal life behind. Sam will do anything to protect his brother’s chance at a normal life. 

He contemplates Heaven. He has no idea which other angels actually he could pray to. Since Cas is obviously avoiding him and almost all the other angels Sam has come into contact with are either dead or hates his guts, he crosses Heaven off of the list quickly too. There is simply no one who would help him. He is not sure exactly what he is anymore either. If he was considered an abomination before, he probably is an even bigger abomination now. 

That only leaves Hell. But Sam’s memories of the Cage are too fresh in his mind, so he is reluctant to actually do something about it. He is sure a huge amount of lore is possible to find in Hell but Sam is not willing to try that venue just yet. He is not desperate enough yet. His curiosity is burning but he can withstand it. For now.


	4. Chapter 4

He lies back on the scratchy motel bed with a sigh. Everything seems to be a dead end for him, until he thinks of Gabriel. 

Gabriel is dead, as far as Sam knows but he reasons that if he can resurrect humans, he can at least try to resurrect an angel. Sam knows that Cas said that only God could resurrect angels, but Gabriel is not just an angel. He is an archangel remade into a pagan god and Sam is pretty certain that should count for something. There is no harm in trying at least. Even if Sam cannot manage to resurrect him into his full glory, Gabriel and his knowledge should be enough. 

Sam is unwillingly excited at the prospect of reviving an archangel. Granted, they were all douches one way or another and Gabriel is certainly no exception, but- he did choose Earth over his family in the end. That counts for something in Sam’s book. Sam might not like him, especially after the whole killing Dean thing, but in hindsight Sam understands the logic behind it. He also is pretty certain Gabriel is the only angel apart from Cas who would be inclined to help him. There is not much preparation to be done in this case. Sam rests up for a week at the motel in Castle Rock. He plays with Riot and relaxes as much as possible. He figures out that his strength returns quicker when he takes long walks in the forest with Riot, so he does that a lot. Being outside, away from humanity and civilization, restores him more quickly. 

When the week has passed, Sam feels ready. He flies to the Elysian Fields motel and marvels a little at the poetry of this place being the last resting place of Gabriel, a magnificent and honorable warrior in his own right. Sam slowly makes his way through the ruined building. Blood smears are still visible on the wall and in the rubble. Remnants of bodies of pagan gods litter the ground. Sam keeps moving until he comes to the grand dining hall. The room is dark but Sam can easily make out the motionless form of Gabriel in the middle of the floor. Unlike his pagan friends, Gabriel’s body shows no sign of decomposition. His face looks peaceful, even as the soot burns of wings surrounding him makes the picture grotesque to Sam. 

Sam kneels beside the fallen archangel. Just as he is about to close his eyes and pray to God for some assistance in this particular case, he hears the unmistakable sound of heels clicking as someone draws nearer. Sam feels it already, that someone is not human. There is a strange power in the air, completely unlike his own. Sam can almost taste it on his tongue. It is electrifying. 

“You.” 

Sam does not have to turn around to know who it is. He is not particularly worried about her presence, somehow he know she is not hostile. 

“Kali,” Sam says as he stands and turns around. 

She is wearing a similar outfit as the one she wore when Sam saw her last. A black pencil skirt, but this time paired with a golden blouse. Her face is impassive as she looks at him.

“What are you doing here?” she asks, completely ignoring what he said. 

Sam gestures to Gabriel’s body. “Trying to repay a favor.” 

She snorts and arches her eyebrow at him. “You lack the power for the kind of thing you’re thinking of.” 

Sam shrugs. “I’m willing to try at least.” 

She looks at him in silence for a long while. Then she reaches out and grabs a tiny bottle from thin air. “Here.” She hands it to him. Sam both sees and feels what is inside. Gabriel’s blood is pulsing in the bottle and it is warm in Sam’s palm.   
“Thanks,” Sam says with an honest smile. His first impression of the goddess might not have been the best, but he is grateful for her assistance. 

She does not smile back but she nods imperceptibly. “I’m just repaying a favor too.” 

After that, she blinks out of existence. 

Sam falls down to his knees, still clutching the bottle of Gabriel’s blood in his hand. He closes his eyes and prays. 

“Our Father, who… er. Aren’t in Heaven, but somewhere else, I guess. Please grant me the strength to save Gabriel. Please allow me to repay him for his sacrifice. He was the only one of your archangels who cared for humanity. He died for humanity, and he deserves to be saved. Please, Father. Help me save your son. Amen.”

Sam has prayed many times throughout the years, but rarely as frantically as this time. He continues praying under his breath while shuffling closer to Gabriel’s body. He is mindful not to disturb the burns of Gabriel’s wings as he gently places his hands on Gabriel’s chest. He holds the bottle underneath his hands and closes his eyes in concentration. 

Nothing happens. Sam feels no surge of power and there is no essence of Gabriel he can reach out for. No matter how much he tries to emulate his earlier resurrections, nothing is happening. 

He tries again. And again and again. He prays. And tries again. Still nothing is happening. 

“Dear Father, please. Please grant me the strength to bring him back. Please!”

Sam decides to try one final time before he has to make his way back to Riot in Castle Rock. He suspects he needs to think of a different strategy, but he will not leave before trying one last time. He closes his eyes and concentrates. But this time, instead of reaching inwards and focusing on the body lying on the floor, something tells him to reach out. He feels like he is leaving his Earthly body behind as he searches the universe for pieces of Gabriel. He finds one. The elation is indescribable. It is a tiny, tiny part, a speck of dust, completely invisible to a normal human eye and almost invisible to Sam. He holds onto it and pushes it into Gabriel’s still vessel. After some searching, he finds another. Just as small, but just as precious. He finds two more pieces before he is exhausted. 

He has no idea how many tiny pieces of Gabriel are scattered across the ever expanding universe, but he vows to find them all. No matter how long it takes. Right now, he is exhausted. He is reluctant to leave Gabriel’s body but he needs to fetch Riot. They are going to be at the Elysian Fields a while. 

Sam takes flight quickly and he quickly fetches Riot and checks out of the motel. He feels a little guilty about making their base in a bloodied ruin of a motel for Riot’s sake, but the dog does not seem to care. They take a long walk. The motel might be ruined, but the surrounding fields and forests are peaceful. There are no humans in sight, just the sound of birds and the wildlife. It feels almost too peaceful. Sam frowns. It is like the whole place has been warded. It feels like a sanctuary. 

Suddenly, he feels kind of stupid. Kali must have something to do with it, since she showed up as soon as Sam arrived. He smirks a little to himself. No matter what the goddess tried to project last time they met, she is far more sentimental and respectful of the other pagan gods than she lets on. Sam breathes deeply and inhales the fresh evening air. Riot runs freely; Sam cannot be bothered with a leash. He knows Riot will never stray too far from his side. 

Sam feels his energy returning quickly. He feels ready to try again. He sends two quick prayers of thanks, one to God and one to Kali. He is unsure how it works with her being a pagan and all, but he is pretty sure she appreciates the sentiment. 

He leaves Riot to sleep in one of the least destroyed rooms. He leaves the door open, but he hopes Riot will stay put. He tells the dog as much. Riot seems to understand as he lies down on the plush bed and promptly falls asleep. 

Sam kneels down by Gabriel’s body again. He takes a deep breath as he closes his eyes and gently places his hands on the chest of Gabriel’s vessel. He reaches out to the edge of the universe again. His search is slow, but he manages to find more pieces of Gabriel’s grace. The search is slow and frustrating. Sam grits his teeth to battle his impatience. He feels like his skin will burst as the grace inside him burns when Sam pushes himself to the absolute limit. 

Then, something inside snaps. If Sam did not have the powers of an angel, he would be knocked flat by the sheer force surrounding him. The force, no the Grace, allows him to reach farther a lot quicker than he has before. He finds over two dozens of pieces of Gabriel before he collapses on top of Gabriel’s vessel. 

He has no idea how long it has been when he wakes up again. He moves off of Gabriel’s vessel (trying not to think of the fact that he passed out on top of a corpse) and goes looking for Riot. The dog is still asleep and the room is shrouded in darkness. Sam estimates it has not been more than a couple of hours. Careful not to jostle Riot too much, he settles on the bed. He does not fall asleep but he rests as well as he can until daybreak comes and Riot demands his attention.


	5. Chapter 5

At daybreak, he takes a walk with Riot for well over two hours and makes sure to cuddle and play with him a lot. Even if Sam gets completely absorbed in the task of piecing Gabriel back together, he wants to make sure Riot is content. 

When he returns to Gabriel’s body he resumes his work. Sam loses count of the days. Days turn into weeks and a month passes. Sam painstakingly keeps collecting pieces of Gabriel. He has no idea how long it will take to gather them all. He still continues.

Another week pass. Another month. Sam still kneels by Gabriel’s body every day. He prays. He prays to God and to Castiel. There is no answer. Sam is not angry about that anymore. Once he might have been. Now he is just too tired to be angry. He knows that angels consider him an abomination, and he is pretty sure God does too. He does not care; he just want to do right by Gabriel. He just wants some guidance. 

There is no change. Sam realizes he has been stuck at the Elysian Fields for over three months. The days bleed together as he still collects pieces, still prays and walks and plays with Riot. He does not give up. He does not get stressed. He has decided to collect all the pieces of Gabriel that he can find, and if it still does not work, he will move on to other ways of finding information.

But after several months spent looking at the same face, mending the same body and Grace – the quest for knowledge has become secondary. Sam wants to restore the archangel first and foremost. He has no real idea where he progressed from a quest for information to a quest to revive an archangel. Sam feels like he knows every piece of Gabriel he collects. He touches every part of the Grace that he collects. He gains a deeper bond with Gabriel with every piece he gathers. 

It feels like an eternity but actually is closer to six months. The pieces are getting harder to find. They are fewer in numbers. Before, Sam has managed to find several pieces every day. Now he is lucky if he finds one. Sam has no idea if that means that he is getting close to being done or that Gabriel’s grace has disintegrated so much that there is nothing left of him to find. 

A week passes when Sam does not find a single piece of Grace. A slow, crippling fear settles in his stomach as his search gets more desperate. His prayers get more desperate. Riot feels his rising levels of panic and comforts him the best he can. Sam is grateful. He tries to concentrate even harder, he pushes his Grace to the limit. He exhausts himself every day, trying and failing to find more pieces of Gabriel. 

His calm veneer is cracking. He is tempted to scream in frustration as he prays as respectfully as he can manage. His prayers are met with silence. His patience wears thin. He grabs the clothing on Gabriel’s vessel. He screams in frustration as his Grace explodes, making all the light bulbs in the room and beyond explode. Glass cracks, the walls cracks, the floor rumbles. The world is getting whiter and brighter until it explodes in a lightning flash of Grace. 

Sam collapses as everything turns black. 

When he comes to the room is shrouded in darkness. Riot is lying at his feet, sleeping peacefully. The chest where Sam is resting his head is moving and there is a sound of shallow breathing. Gabriel’s heart is beating like a steady drum. Sam smiles slowly as he realizes what has happened. With effort, he manages to move off of the now alive but unconscious archangel. 

He takes a deep breath, before hooking his arms underneath Gabriel’s body. It takes effort, but he manages to lift the surprisingly light archangel of off the floor. He carries Gabriel to the bedroom where he has been staying with Riot for the past year and gently deposits him on the bed before pulling up a chair. He studies the smooth face of Gabriel’s vessel. He is pretty sure he is just imagining the color that has returned to the cheeks on it. Sam carefully switches out the shirt on the vessel for a whole one. It is not something he has thought to do during the whole year he has been working on restoring Gabriel, but he does not want Gabriel to wake up with a reminder of the fact that he was stabbed to death by his brother. 

He wants to believe that he can wait with patience for Gabriel to wake up. That is at least something he tries to convince himself of until he realizes he has been bouncing his legs for three hours straight and his fingers have been drumming out a fast staccato against his thigh for an hour. Riot huffed and went to sleep, but Sam is too wired to even try to meditate. He just wants Gabriel to wake up. 

He is worried that Gabriel will wake up differently from before. He might not have his full powers, he might not have his memories. He might be human. Sam is pretty sure about the powers though. He is almost certain that Gabriel still has his powers. There is a faint thrumming in the air, not like the taste of electricity like with Kali, but something earthier. Like the smell of a sweet summer rain and the earthiness of wet mud in the summer. It is comforting. 

Unlike the others, Gabriel does not wake slowly. Sam is lucky he has angel senses, because he only registers power gathering around Gabriel for a millisecond before Gabriel’s eyes snaps open and he looks at Sam. He immediately jumps off of the bed and summons his angel blade. Sam jumps backwards and puts his hands up in a placating gesture. 

“Easy, Gabriel. I’m not gonna hurt you, okay?” Sam says slowly. 

Gabriel plasters on his usual trickster smirk and speaks. “Really, Brother?” he says sarcastically. “That’s what you were doing when you jammed an angel blade into my stomach? Not hurting me?” 

Sam is confused. Gabriel is calling him brother and- oh. Suddenly it all makes some kind of horrible sense. Now Sam knows whose Grace he has inside himself. Figures it would be the Devil’s. Sam could have slapped himself because now it seems like the most obvious thing, but he cannot focus on that right now. He needs to calm Gabriel. 

“Listen, Gabriel. I’m not your brother I-” Sam says quickly before Gabriel interrupts him.

“Really?” Gabriel asks. “That’s what you’re going with? We’re not brothers anymore?” he sneers. “No shit, Sherlock. I kinda figured you’d lost all your brotherly feelings when you killed me!” Gabriel’s voice rises until there is a hint of something otherworldly and powerful at the end. Sam realizes it is a hint of Gabriel’s true voice coming through. 

“No, damn it, Gabriel!” Sam is getting frustrated. “It’s me! Sam! Sam Winchester!” 

Gabriel’s eyes widen a fraction before he laughs humorlessly. “I can’t believe you. What? You think I lost all my powers from having a case of the deads?” He gestures to Sam. “Maybe humans are too blind to see what’s right in front of them, but trust me Brother,” Gabriel just about spits out the word, “I’m not blind.” 

He holds up his angel blade higher. “And now, I’m gonna leave.” He looks menacingly at Sam. “And you’re not gonna stop me.”

“Please, Gabriel!” Sam says desperately. “Just hear me out!” 

Gabriel arches an eyebrow. “So you can kill me once again? Think again, bucko.” He disappears without even snapping.

Sam swears loudly but does not go after him. He has gotten some answers at least, even if they were not what he hoped for.


	6. Chapter 6

Sam packs up his things. There is no point in remaining at Elysian Fields. He accomplished what he set out to do. He resurrected an archangel. Sam wishes he could feel proud but now he mostly feels tired and sad. The fact that he is carrying around Lucifer’s Grace has dampened his spirits considerably. It seems that even after being granted a second chance at life, he cannot get rid of the taint of Hell. 

He still has no idea why he is back or why he has Lucifer’s Grace. He has no idea if it is a mistake made by whoever resurrected him or if it might be a side effect of sharing the Cage with the Devil. He wishes Cas would answer his prayers. Sam hates feeling like he is missing the big picture completely. He hates feeling like an idiot. It feels like his life is some kind of unfinished equation with numbers missing in important places. He just cannot seem to solve it.

He prays to Cas again with the news that Gabriel is alive. He hopes that at least will redeem him a little in the angel’s eyes. He might be an abomination, but at least he rescued one of Cas’ brothers. He hopes it counts for something. Then he scolds himself for being selfish. He should not do things just because he thinks it will redeem him in the eyes of Cas or Heaven. For an abomination like him, there is no redemption. 

He has no idea what to do next. Everything he knows about his situation pure theory without any real basis in fact. He broods. He prays to Gabriel, trying to convince him of the fact that he is not the Devil.

“Blessed Gabriel, mighty archangel of the Lord. Divine hammer of justice, protector of humankind. Please hear my prayer. I’m not Lucifer. I’m not. I promise. Something pulled me out of the Cage. I jumped in, you know? Used the rings like you said, and then I said yes and jumped in with the Devil inside. Michael is down there, too. I just woke up like this. Please, you have to believe me. Please. I need your help. I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t know. I need help.” 

Sam feels really connected to his emotions for the first time since he woke up in that field. He feels despair and desperation. He hates the other two alternatives for gaining information. Bobby is out completely. He knows he will receive the same ‘welcome’ there as he did from Gabriel, because he is not human anymore and apparently he has the Devil’s Grace. Heaven is too pure for him, and given the angels’ prior attitude towards him, Sam does not want to go there. He feels unworthy of Heaven, even just thinking of it. That leaves only the place Sam never wants to go back to. Hell. Even the thought makes him shiver. The name tastes like sulfur and death on his tongue. His vision swims with pain and fire, with lies and deceit. With dark power while his own howls of pain rings in his ears. His body is on fire and his soul is ablaze. It hurts, worse than anything else ever has.

He sees little choice in the matter, though he has no idea how to get to Hell. He decides to summon Crowley. He hates that bastard, he really does, but he cannot find it in himself anymore to do something about it because he mended the damage himself. He brought back Ellen and Jo. 

He leaves Riot at the Scrapyard. He stays for a little while, looking longingly at the family inside. He watches them embrace Riot and Riot loving them back. He knows when he looks at Jo hugging Riot close and kissing the top of his head that he has made the right choice. Riot deserves a stable home, far away from where Sam is going. Jo also deserves a companion, someone who will be by her side, who will love her and cherish her unconditionally. 

He prays to Gabriel once more before he is going to try to summon Crowley. Sam realizes he has been praying to Gabriel about three times a day for the last two weeks, but he refuses to give up. 

“I pray to the archangel Gabriel. Please, I beg your assistance. I’m not the Devil. I’m not. Please, you have to believe me. I need you. I need your help. Please answer.” Sam pauses. “If you don’t I’ll… I need answers. I don’t know who else can give them. Please. I’ll do anything. Gabriel, please.” There are tears in his voice. “Well… if you need time. I guess… I’ll be in Hell. I need information. And unless you’re willing to give it to me… I need to go to Hell.”

Sam waits. He waits for hours. Days. After a week he makes up his mind. He sighs as he looks around the room in the abandoned house he is squatting in and takes flight. He checks in on Dean one last time. Dean kisses Lisa on the nose and laughs while staring deep into her eyes. She smiles back. Ben is nestled between them on the couch as they watch what Sam believes to be another of those Die Hard movies. The apple pie life has been treating his brother well. Sam vows to let it continue to do so. Sam has been gone for over a year, and Dean seems happy. Sam will continue to stay away. 

He checks in on Bobby, Ellen, Jo and now Riot too. Riot knows he is there. He looks outside the window to where Sam is standing. He just stares. Sam stares back. Sam loves that dog, which is why he is giving him up. He does not have the heart to treat him badly. Jo comes up to the window, petting Riot and looking outside to see what he is looking at. Sam smiles at her, even if she cannot see him. She looks good. 

If he is going to go through with this, Sam has a feeling this might be the last time he lays eyes on his family. He closes his eyes and takes flight. The ritual is prepared, it has been for over a week, but Sam feels something there. A taste of rain, a smell of Earth. He gets unwillingly excited. He looks around and tries to pinpoint Gabriel’s presence. He cannot. But he notices the small envelope on top of his canvas bag. He tries to swallow his disappointment as he tears into the letter with shaking hands. 

_I’m just the angel of stamp collectors you know, I can’t help you now. I can’t. I did my thing for Team Free Will. Died in the process. I’m still not convinced you’re not my brother out to kill me. I suppose it’s useless to tell you but… Don’t. Go. To. Hell. – G_

Sam almost screams in frustration. Gabriel refuses to help him, but he still has the gall to try and tell him what to do. Sam almost wants to pray to him with a reminder that Sam is in fact the only reason why he is not spread around the entire universe in tiny speckles of invisible dust. He does not. 

He sits down on the dusty wooden floor. He looks at the almost completed ritual. He still wants to go through with it, but there is this feeling in his gut. Gabriel has tried to put him on the right path before. Sam does not want to risk being wrong again and ending up doing something completely foolish. He also can do without Hell in general. The taste of ash and the crippling sensation of fear is something he would rather forget than have to relive again. He is not really looking forward to going, so convincing himself of staying away is actually not that hard.

He removes the ingredients for the ritual. He packs up his bag. He sits down on the floor again. He lacks purpose; he has no idea what he is going to do now. He will never be able to live a normal life in his current state. He sighs. He supposes he could continue the family business. The family business had never been his, never by choice. But now, with the powers he has, he can save countless people and in some small measure make up for starting the apocalypse.


	7. Chapter 7

He meditates until dawn, then takes flight. He ends up in a quaint little café in New York. Sam remembers visiting it in his younger years. He likes the atmosphere and the noise. It makes him feel invisible despite his build. 

He orders a salad, some coffee and sits down with the newspaper. He finds a possible haunting in the area. It is so easy, he could do it in his sleep. He finds a werewolf. A djinn. A vampire nest. A succubus. Some demons. He takes extra satisfaction in smiting those bastards. Hunting is easy now. He can feel the supernatural, he can see it. The demons’ faces are ugly and twisted. Djinns are easy to spot as their eyes glow an unnatural blue all the time. Vampires have a certain aura around them and the tangy smell and taste of blood. Werewolves smell almost like wet dogs to him. 

The hunts blur into one another. He moves quickly. He tries to avoid stopping, avoid thinking. He does not pray to Gabriel again, nor to Castiel. He has been hunting for roughly four months when he suddenly hears angel radio for the first time.   
“Catch that traitor Castiel and all who follow him.” 

Sam stops. He closes his eyes and tries to see if he can feel where the voice is coming from. He gets the feeling that the angel who gave the order is on Earth. Sam wants answers, so he feels around for the location. Just when he is about to take flight after finding the general proximity, someone places a hand on his arm. 

“Hold your horses, kiddo,” Gabriel says. “You wouldn’t be doing anyone a lot of good being stabbed by Raphael.” 

Sam turns around slowly. Gabriel looks different. His vessel looks older, more worn. He is dressed all in black. Sam thinks he detects some measure of fear in his eyes when Gabriel looks at him, but Gabriel’s hand is steady on him. He pulls Sam into a dark alley and Sam follows willingly. After all, this is what he has been wanting for months now.

That is, until Gabriel brandishes his angel blade and presses it against Sam’s stomach. He pushes Sam up against the brick wall and looks at him fiercely. 

“One wrong move and you’ll find out what it’s like being a dead angel. Okay?” Sam tries to lift his hands in a gesture of peace and calming, but Gabriel just presses the blade harder against his gut. “Don’t move, kiddo.”

He stills and for the first time since his resurrection he feels fear. “I won’t. Please, just… calm down, okay? We can talk about this.”

Gabriel shakes his head. “No. Stay still and shut your cakehole.”

Sam obeys. Gabriel lifts his free hand and gently places his palm against Sam’s forehead. There is a weird tingling sensation inside him, like electric currents are now part of his very being. He closes his eyes and sighs as an onslaught of images, too complicated for a normal human brain, rushes through his mind. 

He sees angels for the first time. He instinctively knows them, despite never seeing them before. It is like the Grace inside him recognizes them, and knows them intimately. He sees Gabriel: warrior, messenger and faithful son. Vaguely shaped like a human, but really not at all. He is tall, huge and glorious. His golden shine that is sometimes still visible through the eyes of his vessel is completely surrounding him now. Dressed in white with three pairs of wings that looks like they have been made from melted gold, he is breathtaking. Sam wishes he could see Gabriel’s true face, but it is obscured by a pristine white hooded cloak. Sam can see that something under the hood is glowing. He wonders if Gabriel’s real eyes are completely gold colored and if that is what makes his face glow.

Then there is Michael. His dusky silver wings are a beautiful contrast to the white robe he is wearing. Like Gabriel, his face is obscured but Sam notices that his face does not glow with the same warm light as Gabriel’s. His glow is colder and more pristine.  
Raphael is like a shining beacon of comfort and warmth. Sam’s own experience with the archangel is nothing like that so he is surprised by the benevolence and grace coming from the figure with pure white wings. He glows with a warmth that is reminiscent of Gabriel’s. 

Then, at last, there is Lucifer. He shines most of them all. He truly is worthy of the name Morningstar. He is bright as a star, though Sam feels a coldness from the light, a distance that is different from the other three. Lucifer is glorious to look at with his warm reddish wings, but Sam would rather admire from afar than get close to that light. It is cold and crisp. Like a blinding, exploding supernova. 

There are more things. Memories, thoughts, impressions. Feelings and fears. Sam feels it all as Gabriel keeps gently pressing his palm against Sam’s forehead. 

There is the Garden of Eden. There are the first humans, the first animals. The laughter of a benevolent Father and the anger of a righteous one. Sam cannot see his face though. 

Then there are pagans. The Norse pantheon. Kali, the destroyer. Complicated feelings are surrounding them- loathing and love, fear and compassion. As Sam looks at Kali’s true form in wonder he also feels sorrow and love coming from Gabriel. 

It all abruptly stops when Gabriel removes his palm from Sam’s forehead as if he was burnt. Sam gasps for breath as Gabriel’s sword disappears and Gabriel himself takes a step back away from him. 

“So,” Gabriel finally says after a long while of silence. “You’re not my brother jammed in his best suit.” 

Sam sighs and closes his eyes. He leans back against the brick wall. “That’s what I tried to tell you. I’m not Lucifer, I’m just Sam Winchester with Grace.”

Gabriel snorts. “You’re not just anything, kiddo.” He shakes his head and mutters something under his breath that Sam cannot make out. “You’re a new kind of animal altogether.”

Sam opens his eyes and peers suspiciously at Gabriel. “What does that mean?” 

Gabriel shrugs. “Means your soul has absorbed an angel’s Grace. Luci couldn’t get it back now if he tried. It also means that you’re more like a Nephilim that a human. Or an angel for that matter.” 

Sam quickly takes inventory of what he knows of Nephilim. He tenses and prepares to fly before looking at Gabriel again. “So. You’re gonna kill me now? I mean, I must be pretty high up the freak list.” 

Gabriel shakes his head. “No. Aside from the fact that I’m about as powerful as a tree topper angel at Christmas, you’re made into something new by God’s will. No matter how long it’s been since I left the building, I’m still a good son. So- no. There’s a reason why you’re here and why you’re this,” Gabriel says and gestures to him. “Whatever Daddy’s thinking, I’m not doing anything to stop it.”

Sam ignores everything Gabriel says except for one thing, even if Gabriel basically telling him that God resurrected him is huge news. “Hold up. You’re not healed?” 

Gabriel laughs, but it is mirthless and harsh. “I think your little pet angel would have told you, but okay. Newsflash, bucko – only Daddy dearest can properly resurrect angels. Sure, you’re at archangel power levels, but you’re not God. And I guess Daddy hasn’t been up to working the old resurrection muscles as of late.” 

“So what does that mean for you?”

Gabriel rolls his eyes. “Do I really need to spell it out for you, knucklehead? It means that my Grace is never gonna be restored unless Daddy does it. You put the pieces of me back together but you lack the power to create the glue that will keep me holding together.”

Sam frowns. “So… you’re gonna die again?” 

Gabriel sighs. “I don’t know. All I know is that I don’t regenerate Grace anymore. I guess it’s kinda like falling. But when my Grace runs out, I think I’ll go back to being in pieces around the universe.” He laughs a little. Sam privately thinks it sounds incredibly forced, but he does not comment. “Not like there’s any precedent for your level of idiocy, Winchester.”

Sam rolls his eyes before gently grabbing Gabriel. “Well, then I guess we’ve got our work cut out for us. Find Cas, find out what I’m supposed to be doing, and glue you back together properly.”

Gabriel rolls his eyes and tries to pull his arm away from Sam. “Whoa there, Captain of the self-sacrifice brigade, I didn’t agree to anything of that.” 

Sam sighs and thinks some very unflattering thoughts of Gabriel. “Look, Gabriel. It’s simple. Do you wanna live or not? Because if you wanna live, then you’ll come with me. It’s not chance that I resurrected you and managed to do it, even if I did it poorly-“

“Yeah you kinda suck at it,” Gabriel interjects. 

Sam ignores him and continues, “I still did it. The point is, I think we’re meant to do this. Together.” 

Gabriel arches his eyebrow and looks at him. “Really? I mean really? You of all people play the destiny card?” 

Sam nods. “Now, in this case, yes. I do.” 

Gabriel rolls his eyes. “I must be the stupidest being to ever live but fine. Take us away.” He relaxes his arm and does not fight Sam’s hand on it. 

Sam smiles at him. “Great!” Then he pauses. “So… where should we go?” 

Sam feels the urge Gabriel has to face palm, but with forced calm he plants his palm on Sam’s forehead. Sam gets the location of Gabriel’s apartment. 

In a rush of wings, they are off.


	8. Chapter 8

Sam wants to start with the research. Gabriel does not agree with him. “No. Seriously, no.”

“Why not?” Sam asks, feeling impatience leak into his voice. 

Gabriel arches an eyebrow and speaks slowly, as if he is talking to a complete idiot. “Do you even know how to use your newfound powers right, Samster?” 

Sam frowns. “I know how to fly and how to smite. I see things’ true nature. Isn’t that pretty much it?” 

Gabriel rolls his eyes. “Maybe for a little regular soldier, but not for us.” He pauses. “You, now I guess.” He gestures towards Sam’s right hand. “Try to summon your angel blade.” 

“I don’t know how. Do I even have one?” 

Gabriel’s face makes a complicated series of expression that Sam interprets as ‘why must I be saddled with all these idiotic questions’. Sam wonders if he was this impatient with Mary. “Of course you do, Sammy.” 

Sam ignores the nickname and closes his eyes. He tries to think of the sword and summon it. Nothing happens. Gabriel sighs. Sam opens his eyes and looks on as Gabriel looks towards the sky.

“Father,” he says. “If this is what you want, then you should know that I will need more Grace to actually be helpful.” He closes his eyes in silence, face still tilted towards the sky. Sam wonders if he is actually getting an answer. Gabriel sighs as he opens his eyes. “I see, Daddy. I can take the hint. Love you too, old man.” The last part he says sarcastically. 

“What’s wrong?” Sam asks, feeling worried.

“Oh you know, no answer on the Heavenly phone line as usual. Which I take as proof that old Daddy-o wants me to make a choice.” He snorts. “As per usual when it comes to humans, huh.”

Sam frowns as Gabriel continues to be excessively cryptic. “What kind of choice?”

Gabriel’s usual smirk softens to an expression that leaves Sam uncomfortably aware that he is talking to a being that is essentially older than time itself. “The usual one. Now, never mind. Here.” He moves forward towards Sam quickly and places his palm on Sam’s forehead. 

There are images, clear and easy to understand. The feeling of an angel blade, the power of a part of his Grace. The power of illusion, creation and destruction. Faster flights, the power and connection to the air around him. The power of love and brotherhood. The power of prayer. Immeasurable wisdom and knowledge is transferred into his head, knowledge that no mortal ever has known so completely before. Gabriel has seen the entire history of creation and now he is sharing it with Sam. Sam is both humbled and honored. He gasps as Gabriel’s palm slips off his forehead, and he manages to catch the archangel quickly before he falls to the floor unconscious. He picks up Gabriel bridal style and carries him to the bedroom. He gently deposits him on the luxurious bed and pulls a thick woolen blanket on top of him. He has no idea what to do next. 

As far as he can tell, Gabriel is just unconscious and not actually damaged. He uses his Grace and the newfound knowledge Gabriel has bestowed upon him to check, but he cannot find anything amiss. He supposes that Gabriel will be alright with some rest. At least, he hopes so. He needs Gabriel. He wishes he could completely heal him so they could do what needs to be done together, but it seems that God is not keen on rewarding Gabriel for the sacrifices he has been making. 

Sam fetches the computer from the kitchen and sits down on the luxurious bed beside the unconscious archangel. He has no idea what to research, since Gabriel just gave him more knowledge about everything than he ever has before. He really does not need to write it down, but there are other hunters out there who could use the knowledge. Other people could benefit from all that Gabriel -and now Sam- has seen throughout the history of creation. 

He closes his eyes and sighs before opening a new document in Word. He has a lot to do. 

…

Sam starts to worry when Gabriel does not wake for over 24 hours. He tries to sift through his newfound knowledge of angel physiology but nothing explains why he is still unconscious. Sam suspects it has something to do with Gabriel being a special case, since he is the only angel to ever be resurrected by someone other than God. He decides to pray.

“God, please. Don’t do this to Gabriel. He is a dick, yeah – he is. But he sacrificed himself for us, for humanity. He did it to save your creation.”

Sam is pretty sure praying is useless. He still does it. 

He sighs, puts the laptop away, and just looks at Gabriel. Sam worries. He has no idea what Gabriel did exactly when he transferred all that knowledge, but it took a huge toll out of him. Sam tries to think it though. He tries to think of whatever he can grasp of Gabriel’s knowledge of healing, but there is not much. There is a huge amount of love for the angel Sam now knows to be Raphael. Raphael is the healer of out of the four archangels. Gabriel’s knowledge of healing is pretty basic because everything else is handled by Raphael in Gabriel’s memories. But that is not actually helpful now. Sam is pretty sure that Raphael is not the brother Gabriel remembers anymore. It hurts to think that Gabriel still loves an ideal, an idea of his family. That he cares enough to die for them and for humanity, even though no one appreciates it. Sam gently touches Gabriel’s face. He is colder than normal. Sam worries.

He keeps thinking. There is something, he realizes. He can infuse Gabriel with his own Grace to boost him. That should at least pull him out of unconsciousness. Sam needs Gabriel to wake up so they can plan their next move as quickly as possible. They need to find Cas and find out what is going on. They also need to save Gabriel as quickly as they can. With everything he does, it becomes more and more likely that Gabriel will die. Disintegrate into tiny specks of dust in the universe. Sam does not want that to happen. It hurts to think about. Losing an archangel once is bad enough, but twice? Losing all that power and knowledge just hurts too much. Losing one of the good guys like that is awful and sickening. 

He leans over Gabriel on the bed and gently places his hands on either side of Gabriel’s face. Then he closes his eyes and concentrates on finding the small pulse that currently is Gabriel’s Grace. Sam is dismayed to realize that the pulse is much weaker than the solid thrum of power he could feel at Elysian Fields right after Gabriel was resurrected. He is not sure if Gabriel has been using too much Grace or the transfer of knowledge just took this much out of him. He is also not sure if he might overwhelm the small spark of Gabriel’s Grace if he gives some of his own, or if that is the only way to save him. 

He takes a chance. He tries to gently use his own Grace to bolster Gabriel’s. He does not dare to use too much, just enough to make the weak pulse a little brighter. Then he pulls back slowly from Gabriel and lets go of his head. Gabriel is still unconscious, though Sam hopes that he will wake soon now. 

Sam returns to his computer, but he simply cannot concentrate anymore on writing notes. He aimlessly surfs around the internet. He is not sure how long he waits. Time has partially lost meaning to him now as he does not need to eat or sleep. He reads. For the first time in several long years he reads some fiction. He remembers reading American Gods in college but it is way more interesting now when he can actually enjoy it in his own time and not just as a part of an assignment in class. 

“You know, it’s usually beautiful ladies I wake up to, but whatever. Good looking guy like yourself, I can make an exception.” 

Sam cannot help but roll his eyes though he is too relieved to be really irritated. He closes his laptop and smiles at Gabriel. “Welcome back to the land of the living.”

Gabriel rolls his eyes. “Well, I’m still half dead as I am, but thanks. I appreciate the booster.”

Sam looks at him, skeptical. “You can feel that?”

Gabriel nods. “I can feel the presence of another Grace in me. You should understand. At least I hope that you caught as much when I gave you the Angels 101 primer. Otherwise I just drained myself dry for nothing.”

Sam frowns. “You mean that you also feel the differences in warmth? I mean, your Grace feels warm and inviting,” Sam blushes a little at his choice of words, “and Lucifer’s feel cold and intimidating.”

Gabriel snorts and tries to hide a laugh. He fails miserably. “That is such a rudimentary way to explain it but, in essence yeah.” He smirks at Sam. “In essence I feel Luci’s ‘cold and intimidating’ Grace inside me and I feel it very much since my Grace apparently is ‘warm and inviting’”. There is laughter in his voice as he says the last part. 

“Shut up, jerk,” Sam says grumpily. He really does not enjoy being mocked.

“Whatever you say, bitch,” Gabriel says with a grin.

There is an unexpected pang of loneliness inside Sam’s chest when Gabriel uses Dean’s favorite insult. Sam suddenly misses his brother like he lost a limb. It is familiar. It is the same feeling he got when Dean went to Hell. It scares him. His emotions have generally been on the backburner since he was brought back. Sam has been grateful for that, since he has no idea how he would cope with several hundred years of Hell torture and his emotions at the same time. 

“You okay, Samster?” Gabriel actually sounds worried.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Sam says, trying to shake off the feelings as quickly as he can. He cannot afford to be distracted right now. He needs to get answers, he needs to find Cas, and he needs to save Gabriel. 

“O-kay. Why don’t you try to lie more convincingly next time?” Gabriel asks. “Whatever. Let’s grab some pancakes with strawberry syrup. Then we’ll get down to business.”

Sam has no idea where Gabriel’s gung-ho attitude came from but he is grateful for it. It is exactly what he needs right now. He needs to be distracted from the gaping wound that suddenly opened in his chest and the harsh reality that he cannot do anything to close it. Not right now. At least not until he knows more. 

Sam actually makes pancakes from scratch from what he can find in Gabriel’s kitchen. He pretends not to notice when Gabriel scrapes the burned parts off and drenches what is left in syrup. He knows he is a shitty cook, and he has not become any better by not eating in over a year. Gabriel does not say anything about the shitty pancakes. Sam cannot help but be surprised and thankful.


	9. Chapter 9

“So, bucko. Summon your angel blade now.” Gabriel is leaning back on the chair, his legs nonchalantly thrown up on the kitchen table. Sam has given him a disapproving stare several times but Gabriel keeps ignoring it and does not move his boots from the table. 

“Fine,” Sam says. He closes his eyes and uses his Grace to shape the blade. Then he feels the weight of it in his right hand. Things are so much easier now that he actually know the process behind how he uses his Grace. He also uncomfortably aware how dangerous his quest to revive Gabriel was now. Sam still does not regret it, even if he apparently risked his life to save Gabriel by almost draining himself completely of Grace. 

Gabriel grins. “Good job.” He gestures to the blade. “May I?” 

Sam hands it to him. He is hesitant, but he decides to trust Gabriel. Getting Gabriel’s memories and knowledge has made it much more clear what type of person Gabriel is. He is not evil or petty. He is a frightened boy who lost his parent much too soon and tried to fill the empty gaping hole in his chest with something else. Sam can relate. He is never telling Gabriel that, because Gabriel’s coping mechanisms are not unlike Dean’s. Emotional conversations on their weaknesses will never be appreciated. 

Gabriel grabs the blade and gently runs his fingers along it. Sam pretends not to notice that his hand is shaking. The earthy smell and feel of Gabriel’s powers feels like a lightning storm. The air is tense and it is hard to breathe.

“Gabriel?” Sam asks gently. 

Gabriel shudders and seems to snap out of it. Then he wordlessly hands the blade back to Sam. “Yeah?” 

“You okay?” Sam asks a little hesitantly. He felt Gabriel’s panic and he is worried. 

“Just peachy, Sammich.” Gabriel’s tone of voice says something else entirely but Sam decides to let it go for now. 

“Okay. You satisfied with that?” he asks. “I can summon my blade. Can we move on now? You know I can fight.” 

Gabriel rolls his eyes. “Hold your horses, kiddo. It’s not like that’s the only thing you’ll need to learn.” He smirks. “Make an illusion. Make a copy of yourself to start with.” 

Sam frowns. “Why would I need that? I don’t need to make busty women to entertain myself or something like that. I don’t plan on trapping people in Groundhog Day exactly.” The Mystery Spot is still a sore point for Sam. 

Gabriel shakes his head. “Never mind what I’ve used it for. Stop and use that Stanford-sized brain for two seconds.” Gabriel deliberately speaks slowly, as if he is speaking to a small child. In his eyes, he probably is. “Subterfuge. Stealth. Avoiding fighting.” He arches an eyebrow.

“Fine, fine,” Sam mutters. “I get the point. Even if I don’t need it. I can hide myself just fine.” He closes his eyes.

“Stop closing your eyes every time you’re gonna do something, it’s a ridiculous tell,” Gabriel says impatiently. 

Sam’s eyes snap open and he glares at Gabriel who just smirks at him.

He does not close his eyes again, though. He takes a deep breath and collects his Grace around him. He concentrates on shaping it in to a form resembling a human. He is concentrating deeply until a snort of laughter from Gabriel interrupts him. “What?” Sam growls.

“You suck. I mean seriously?” Gabriel says and gestures to the now empty space where Sam concentrated his energy. “Not even a blind person would miss the fact that it was fake.”

“Thanks for the constructive criticism,” Sam answers drily. “I really appreciate it.”

“We don’t have time to pander to your delicate ego, buttercup,” Gabriel snaps. “Get on it. Practice. Again!”

“Where’s the fire?” Sam asks as he concentrates again. Suddenly Gabriel is back to being stressed and gung-ho again.

Gabriel tilts his head towards the sky. “Where do you think? Now, work it!” 

Sam does not answer. Instead he concentrates on making a new illusion. He has to bite his tongue to not insult the dickish angel. Such a jackass. 

…

Gabriel’s tough act is getting on Sam’s nerves. It has so far produced nothing but frustration for Sam. He simply cannot grasp how to make illusions. Gabriel’s personality is a disaster area on a normal day but when he is frustrated it is a billion times worse.   
“Jesus, Sammy! How hard can it be? I literally planted the knowledge in your brain. There is no way you can’t get how it’s supposed to work!” The frustration is obvious both in Gabriel’s voice and his demeanor. He sighs and stands up from where he was sitting on the sofa. He moves towards leaving the room for the kitchen but Sam stops him before he is there.

“Shut up, Gabriel!” he growls as he walks up to Gabriel. “Just for one second, shut up! I wasn’t made to do this, you know?! I’ve never had this kind of power before, so excuse me for taking more than five fucking seconds to get it right!” At the final word his voice rises and his face is inches from Gabriel’s. Neither of them move. Gabriel does not say anything. He just looks at Sam for a long while. Sam can feel the warmth of Gabriel’s breath on his face. It makes him shiver a little for some reason. Gabriel’s eyes really are otherworldly in their golden color.

“Fine,” Gabriel says after a long while of uncomfortable silence. “Fine. We’ll have to manage anyway, then. Come on, Moose. We’re summoning Cassie and fixing his mess.” Gabriel pauses and turns around. “Then you and I are done.” Sam cannot see his face but he has a feeling that he just made a huge mistake.

Sam does not answer, he just follows Gabriel silently. This is what he wanted after all. He is just not so sure anymore it is the right thing. Sam has always been bad with recognizing the right thing and he knows it. He just hopes they will all come out in one piece. His stomach gives an uncomfortable lurch at the thought of never seeing Gabriel again. Sam knows every piece of the archangel and his memories and he does not want to lose Gabriel over a petty argument. He shoves feelings he does not want to examine deeper inside of himself. They have more important things to do.


	10. Chapter 10

Summoning Cas is not that hard with Gabriel’s help, since he can call Cas with his true voice. Sam tries to ask Gabriel to consider trying to regain his powers before getting directly involved in the apparent shit show in Heaven, but Gabriel ignores him. They angel proof the abandoned barn they have decided to summon Castiel to. Cas will be able to get in, but not out. Other beings, be it angels or something else, will also be unable to get inside. They do not really want to trap him, but with him apparently unwilling to talk to Sam they see little choice in the matter.

“I don’t like this,” Sam mutters as he pours the Holy oil. 

“Yeah, well. Neither do I. You also didn’t have these kinds of reservations when you did this to me, chuckles,” Gabriel says, arching his eyebrow. 

Sam shrugs. “Well, Cas didn’t kill Dean a hundred times.” He makes a face at Gabriel. “He also didn’t make people slow dance with aliens.” 

Gabriel grins. “Ah, one of my best. “

Sam cannot help but smile a little. “Fine. He kinda deserved it. But still, not sure if lifelong psychological damage is the right way to go.”

Gabriel’s face darkens and Sam does not recognize the look on his face. It is anger, but also sorrow. The only time Sam has seen Gabriel show similar emotions was when they trapped him in the warehouse and he spoke about his Father and his siblings.  
“Oh it was.” Gabriel answers darkly. “Samster, I’ve been around since before you crazy kids were even a thought in Daddy’s mind. Back in the day, lex talionis was the way to go. It was Dad’s way, then mine and after that the humans’ too. Me? I still like it and it’s still the way I do things. The punishment should fit the crime – and this? Certainly did.” 

Sam nods slowly. “Alright.” He is not sure what to say to Gabriel, but his curiosity burns hotter than the sun. “What I don’t understand is why you care? I mean, apart from Cas all members of your family have made it perfectly clear that humans are beneath them and that they hate us… so why do you care?” 

Gabriel snorts. “Really?” The tone of his voice suggests exactly how stupid he thinks Sam is. 

“What?” Sam says, annoyed with Gabriel’s superior attitude. He has no idea what Gabriel is getting at.

Gabriel points to himself. “Hell-o? Archangel of humanity ring a bell?” 

“Yeah, well that’s true I guess. But no one else seem to be taking their duties to heart exactly, so why you?” Sam asks impatiently. 

Gabriel sighs and turns away as he paints sigils on the walls. “I like humans. Always have, always will. I love the good in you guys, I love how you always think you can do anything.” He snorts a humorless laugh as he continues. “And I frakking hate it when humans are dickbags. I hate it when my brothers are dickbags too. The humans I can at least do something about.” 

Sam does not answer for a little while. He is not sure what to say. He is pretty sure that Gabriel does not want him to offer theories on him projecting his issues with his brothers on humans instead of solving them. “I didn’t know you watched Battlestar Galactica,” is what he finally says. He thinks Gabriel appreciates leaving the emotional conversation behind because he turns to Sam and grins. 

“Are you kidding, Sammich? It’s awesome!” 

Sam smiles slightly. “Yeah, it is.”

Gabriel smiles back a little and they stare at each other in silence for a few seconds. 

“Well, better get to it,” Sam says quietly, breaking up whatever what just occurred between them.

Gabriel nods and his smile disappears. He moves away to paint more sigils. Sam tries to tell himself that they did not have a moment just now. He is almost certain they did. Shit. 

…

Cas appears in a flash of light that surprisingly does not hurt Sam’s eyes. He is also surprised that he can make out the shape of wings and a strange blue-ish glow around him. This makes it all more apparent that Gabriel is not whole. The only place where Sam sees his otherworldly glow is his eyes.

“Hey bro!” Gabriel says cheerfully. “Miss me?” 

Cas looks at them in silence. He stares at Gabriel first, eyes widening as he realizes that it is really his brother standing there. Then he looks at Sam. He does not say anything. 

“Well… this is awkward,” Gabriel says, breaking the uncomfortable silence. 

Sam rolls his eyes. “Whatever. Hey, Cas.”

Castiel finally speaks. ”Hello Sam. Brother.” He looks between them. “How are you here?” 

Gabriel opens his mouth before Sam manages to stop him. “Weeeell, Sammich here was picked up by dear ol’ Dad I suspect. Then Sammy missed me so much that he put the tiny pieces of me that were floating around the universe together again.” 

Sam sighs. “Yeah, Gabriel. I just missed you so much. Couldn’t live without you,” he says drily. 

Castiel disregards their exchange completely. “My Father resurrected you?” He looks Sam up and down. “And gave you Grace? Lucifer’s Grace?”

Sam shrugs. “Apparently, I have no idea.” He gives Cas a look. “You know, if you’d answered my prayers,” like you would Dean’s, Sam thinks to himself, “you’d know that I was back.”

If it is possible for Cas to look embarrassed, it is what he looks like now.

“What, bro?” Gabriel asks. 

“I… thought it was a trap,” he says. “I tried to raise you from the Cage, but I couldn’t. So I thought it was a trap when I heard your prayer.”

“Who would do that? Use me to trap you?” Sam asks, his voice heavy with skepticism. 

“Well… it would probably be either Raphael or Crowley.” 

Sam frowns. “Crowley?”

Cas looks away. 

“Don’t try and trick a Trickster,” Gabriel says, his jovial demeanor gone and his mouth set in a hard line. “Brother, what have you gotten yourself into?”

Castiel sighs. “It’s kind of a long story.” 

Gabriel sits down on the ground. He pats the space beside him and motions for Sam to sit down beside him. Sam does. “Don’t worry, we have time.” 

“I don’t,” Cas says brusquely. “So please let me out.”

“I don’t think so, Cassie. Not until you tell us why you’re sweating like a sinner in church.” 

Cas frowns. “I’m not-“

“Figure of speech, Cas,” Sam says impatiently. “Now, spill.”

“After you sacrificed yourself and jumped into the Cage, Raphael wanted to restart the Apocalypse,” Cas says after a few seconds of silence. 

Gabriel sighs and his voice is almost sad as he speaks. “Figures.” He does not say anything else as he turns away so that Sam and Cas are unable to see his face.

“I was the only one who challenged him, but even if my Father resurrected and elevated me I still couldn’t match his power.” Cas pauses and looks unsure how to continue.

“Wait,” Sam says slowly. “I… you died?” He closes his eyes as he tries to remember. There are flashes. Holy oil, Michael burning. His fingers snapping. Cas exploding. Sam takes a shuddering breath. He hates when he remembers the actions Lucifer took in his body. Sam feels violated to have been used like that. “I remember now. I remember how… it happened.” 

“Not your fault, Sam-a-lam,” Gabriel says. “It wasn’t you.” There is more compassion in Gabriel’s voice than he has ever heard before. Sam wants to feel comforted that an archangel tells him that. But he is not sure he will ever believe it, no matter who tells him.   
Sam does not really believe Lucifer’s actions weren’t his fault. If he had only fought harder, stood his ground, then maybe it would never have happened at all. Then Lucifer would never have had control.

“Anyway,” Cas continues. “I needed more power… and so did Crowley.”

“Why?” Sam asks.

Gabriel snorts and suddenly they are back in familiar territory as Sam hears the superiority in his voice. “Sammich, sometimes I worry. I mean you were always the brains of the operation, right? Your brother doesn’t really have much in that department. If my dear Brother is in the Cage and Lilith is six feet under – guess who’s the new King?”

Sam does not answer, because Cas continues to speak. “Exactly. So we made a deal.”

“Yeah because that has worked out so well before,” Gabriel says sarcastically. “Jeez, Cassie. You just pick up the worst of human habits, right? A deal with a demon is never gonna work out in your favor.”

“I know that!” Cas says, clearly frustrated. He moves towards the edge of the circle. “But what choice did I have?” He gestures to Sam and Gabriel. “You were both dead. Dean was with Lisa. I was alone, and I worked with the options I had.”

Sam sighs. “It was a stupid thing to do, but I know what you mean. I know what it means to feel cornered and like you’re out of options. But we’re here now.” 

“What was the deal?” Gabriel asks, staring at Cas, arms crossed and eyebrow arched. 

“We would open Purgatory and split the souls between us, harnessing their power,” Cas says matter-of-factly.

Gabriel lets out a low whistle. “Jeez, Cassie. You don’t do things halfway, do you? You get points for creativity but you get a huge minus for the fact that you were gonna open Purgatory. Y’know there are things in there that aren’t ever supposed to get out, right?” Gabriel starts pacing. “When I was young-” 

He pauses as Sam and Cas stare at him in unison. “I was young once, you know?” he says irritably. “Anyway, a long time ago Daddy gave me the job of banishing Leviathans to Purgatory. ‘Cause man, they had to ruin everything good. Like Christmas! Except it wasn’t Christmas, but you get the picture. Not unlike you and your numbskull brother, Sam!” Gabriel says enthusiastically with fake cheer. “Except they were a million times worse. Almost impossible to kill, and no care whatsoever for anything but themselves and their next meal. Had they been allowed to stay, humanity would have gone bye-bye before you ever learned to walk upright.” 

Gabriel stops and stands still. “So anyway, Dad gave me an awesome spear of and I banished them to Purgatory. They aren’t supposed to get out, because I promise it won’t be pretty if they do. At all. So let’s put that plan in the scrapyard and make up a new one instead. Preferably one where we don’t unleash evil biblical monsters who wants to eat all of us.” 

The knowledge Gabriel has shared with Sam is enough so that he understands that letting Leviathans loose is a bad idea. Sam closes his eyes and sees flashes of things with grotesque mouths. He sees Gabriel, in all his shining glory in his true form. His face is still hidden under a hood though. He is wielding a spear, aiming it to the ground and smashes it down. The ground thunders and cracks open as the Leviathans are sucked inside, looking like thick black goo running down into the cracks in the ground. When all the black goo has disappeared, Gabriel glows brighter than the sun and pulls the spear from the ground. The ground closes up and there is no trace of the grotesque monsters. 

“What are you doing, Sam?” Cas asks in confusion as Sam just stands there with his eyes closed.

“He’s sorting through information,” Gabriel says. “But he closes his eyes every time he does it. Really bad habit, I know. I’ve tried to make him stop but it hasn’t happened yet. The only thing that has happened so far is that he throws on a bitchface every time I tell him to open his eyes.” Sam cannot help but look annoyed at that. “Like that!” Gabriel says with delight. “Bitchface No. 4 I call it. Or ‘Sam’s getting tired of your bullshit’.” 

“I _am_ getting tired of your bullshit, Gabriel,” Sam says as he opens his eyes. 

“Aww, I know you love me.” 

Sam ignores him and turns to Cas. “So, new plan. We need to stop Raphael. You’re not alone anymore. You have a de-powered archangel, a human with archangel powers and yourself. I think we can come up with something better than unleashing worse abominations than I am into the world.” 

Cas nods.

“You’re not an abomination, Sam,” Gabriel says quietly but firmly. Sam does not believe him, but something tingly in his chest makes itself known when Gabriel speaks. Sam tries avoiding identifying it.


	11. Chapter 11

“So… what is this grand plan going to be?” Sam asks after they have let Castiel out of the circle of holy oil. 

“You need to help me kill Raphael,” Cas says gravely, standing stiffly in the middle of the room. 

“Whoa, no,” Sam says at the same time Gabriel almost shouts a denial. 

“Yeah, Cassie. How about no? I lost two of my brothers already. But at least they’re not dead,” Gabriel says. “Even if I kinda wish Lucifer was.” He pauses. “I won’t allow you to kill Raphael.” 

Cas arches an eyebrow. “Gabriel, with your powers being what they are, you have no chance to stop us. At all.” 

Sam grimaces as Gabriel’s face turns expressionless. “I wouldn’t be so sure. Care to test me, Brother?” Sam both hears and feels Gabriel summoning his angel blade. 

Cas’ eyes widen a fraction. “Gabriel. I don’t want to fight you. I’m merely saying that we need to kill Raphael if we want to avoid him opening the Cage.” Cas is trying to sound placating but Sam can almost taste the quiet rage emanating from Gabriel. Sam is certain that if Gabriel had been at full power, he would be glowing golden and the ground would be shaking. 

The blade is gone from Gabriel’s hand when he slowly steps forward so that he is only a few inches away from Castiel. Cas does not move as Gabriel leans closer. 

“You. Will. Not. Kill. My. Brother,” Gabriel slowly enunciates. “You might not have known him before he turned into an asshole, but I remember. I don’t think Daddy brought you back to kill angels, little bro. Daddy brought you back to fix things, not to be the Angel of Judgment.” Gabriel points to himself. “That’s me, remember?” he says sarcastically. “He definitely didn’t bring you back to kill your brothers, kiddo.”

Cas sighs. “What would you have me do then?” 

“We need to de-power him. At least temporarily, so we can put him in Heaven’s jail. Once there, I can make sure he won’t get out,” Gabriel says matter-of-factly. He smiles grimly. “We’ll need the angel tablet.”

Sam searches his mind for information, but he cannot even with Gabriel’s vast memories get any information about it. “What’s that?” Sam asks slowly.

Gabriel stares at him. “Are you kidding? I gave you literally all my memories.”

Sam shrugs. “Not that one apparently.”

Gabriel frowns and looks at the sky, but he does not say anything in response. 

“There is an angel tablet?” Cas asks. “Where would it be?”

Gabriel makes a broad gesture with his left hand. “Earth. Where no angels would think to come.” He says it sarcastically. 

“Still don’t know what we’re talking about,” Sam says, feeling more than a little irritated about being left out of the conversation. 

“The angel tablet is what Metatron, the scribe of God, wrote down. On the tablet, he wrote the word of God,” Gabriel says impatiently. “The tablet itself has the power of God. It can be tapped into for a temporary increase in powers.”

“Okay,” Sam says. “How do we get it?” 

Gabriel grimaces. “Lucifer was in possession of it the last time I saw it.” 

“So we use Crowley to track it down,” Cas says. “I can convince Crowley to meet me and you two can help me persuade him to share information.”

Gabriel shakes his head. “I don’t think Crowley knows. He isn’t one of Lucifer’s followers. He’s playing his own game, always has.”

Sam sighs. “Who, then? I mean, we don’t have a long list of friend when it comes to demons.” 

Gabriel shrugs. “Well, normally I’d say Lilith, Alastair or maybe Azazel. But you’ve taken care of all three, as I understand it.” Gabriel grins slightly at Sam. “Say what you will about you and your brother, but you knuckleheads know how to take care of the big bads.”

Sam rolls his eyes, but he cannot help but smile a little at Gabriel’s comment. Then it occurs to him. 

“Meg.” 

Castiel frowns. “Meg? Azazel’s daughter?” 

Sam nods firmly. “She is loyal to Lucifer and as you said, Yellow Eyes’ kid. If anyone knows anything, it’s her.” 

Gabriel nods slowly. “Right, could work. Let’s summon her and find out.”

They decide to create several devils traps but no sigils where they are going to summon Meg. It is still risky, since Meg has always been cunning and they do not want to tip Crowley off that his plan is not going to be set in motion. The house where they have decided to summon Meg is an old hunting cabin in the middle of nowhere. They do not want to risk any civilians getting hurt if things go badly.

Both Sam and Gabriel have summoned their angel blades. Meg will be able to feel them when she arrives, but not before. They will have to be smart about it if they are going to succeed in capturing her if it becomes necessary. Sam fingers his gun in his pocket. He has not used it since he was resurrected but he feels naked without it.

Cas calls Meg. Sam feels it when the Meg comes closer. The air is thick with the taste and smell of sulfur. Sam wants to vomit. He tries to take deep breaths to keep the panic at bay as memories flash before his eyes. He is burning. He tries not to make a sound but he cannot contain a gasp as he tries to breathe normally. He has hunted demons on his own before since his resurrection, but Meg is on another level altogether. She reminds him of Lucifer.

“Get it together. Now’s not the time for panic,” Gabriel hisses at him. 

Sam takes a deep breath and clutches the angel blade tighter. “Gotcha.” His voice is shaky but determined. 

“Hello Meg,” Cas says gravely as she appears inside the summoning circle. She is in a new vessel, this one also a beautiful woman. Now that Sam can see her true face, he actually also has to concede that her true appearance is kind of beautiful too in an abstract way. She is tall and thin. Her true face is gaunt and boney but the facial structure reminds Sam of a beautiful sculpture. She is grotesque too, with something looking like blood colored bat wings coming out of her back. Her eyes are completely black, like starless skies. Sam tries to refocus on the form she is in now before she notices him staring. 

She grins a little. “Hello, Clarence. It’s not enough with his own little guard dogs? Now the King even has heavenly soldiers on his payroll?” 

“I’m not working for Crowley,” Cas says, almost impatiently. 

She arches an eyebrow. “Really? Because I could swear I heard something about you paying the self-proclaimed King a visit.” Her voice gets lower and sultrier. “Clarence, you’ve been a bad boy.” 

“I did,” Cas answers. “But things have changed.” 

“Oh, do tell,” she says with her mouth curved in a slight smile. 

“We need information.” Sam and Gabriel steps forward. 

“You brought company, how nice,” Meg says. She turns to Sam. “Now what’s the little puppy doing out of his cage? Naughty, naughty.” 

Sam ignores her. “As I said, we need information.”

“Sammy, don’t know if you noticed.” Her eyes turn black for a few seconds. He guesses that she wants to illustrate the fact that her eyes are black and not red like a crossroads demon. “But I’m not a trader. I don’t sell secrets or information.”

“Well,” Gabriel says as he steps forward. “I’m sure we can come to some type of agreement.”

She stares a little at Gabriel before smiling again. “Oh my, Lucifer is going to be disappointed that you didn’t stay dead.” She giggles. “You know, he was actually very fond of you. Disgusted with you, but fond of you still.”

Gabriel rolls his eyes. “Yeah well, I don’t care.” 

She grins. “Yes you do. That’s your whole problem, you know? Caring too much and not being able to handle it.” She smiles a little teasingly. “Not like me, I mean at least when I pick a cause I stick with it.” Gabriel rolls his eyes but surprisingly offers no comeback. “Now, you’ve got me all trapped. What’s it you really want?”

“We need to know where Lucifer hid the angel tablet,” Castiel answers.

Meg whistles quietly. “And you three just expect me to tell you that? What makes you think I even know?”

Gabriel smirks. “Because you and your dear ol’ dad were among Luci’s biggest fans. I’m sure he told you something about it. My brother likes to brag when he can to anyone who’s willing to listen to his bull crap.”

Meg does not say anything for a while; she just looks at them in silence. 

“I might know something about it,” she finally says. “But there’s absolutely nothing in it for me. And trust me, Clarence might be hot but you aren’t exactly my favorite people in the universe.”

“Aww, we’re all hurt I’m sure,” Gabriel answers, voice thick with sarcasm. 

“What do you want, Meg?” Castiel asks. She seems most receptive to him anyway.

“Oh, question is what I don’t want with you, Clarence,” she says with a saucy wink as she thinks it over. “I think our new King leaves a lot to be desired. Mainly because he’s hunting my sweet ass.” She steps forward to the edge of the circle. ”Protection. Meaning I come with you on your little crusade and then Clarence can be my boy toy for as long as I need him.” She winks at Castiel, who mostly looks confused.

“You want me… to come with you?” he asks with a frown. 

She nods with a grin. “Oh yeah, that would be fantastic.” Both Gabriel and Sam get the double entendre since it was as subtle as a sledgehammer, but Cas still looks mostly confused. 

“Right, I don’t need to hear about your wet dreams ‘bout little bro,” Gabriel says with a grimace. “But you do get that Cas can’t be your own guardian angel forever?”

She shrugs. “Why not? Aren’t there a ton of you feathery asses?” 

Gabriel laughs quietly at that. “Yeah, but as you noticed – Cassie is special.” 

“I can’t leave Heaven to follow you around,” Castiel says impatiently. It is evident that he does not understand what is going on. 

She actually looks kind of insulted at that. “You did it for Deanie-wenie, Clarence. Are you saying I’m not deserving of your puppy dog looks?” She pouts and crosses her arms. 

“How about we actually try to agree on something?” Sam interjects, because they are getting nowhere. “Meg, we need your help, but you’re not gonna get Cas to be your personal... whatever-“

“Aww.” She pouts. 

“But you know, this is a chance to stick it to Crowley in a major way. Cas’ll tell you what he knows about Crowley’s plans, giving you a chance to stop them. We’ll help with that, too. Is that something that would be acceptable to you?”

She thinks it over. “It’s a start.” She nods slowly. “All right, let me out and we’ll talk.” She grins. “After all, kicking Crowley in the nuts is just so much fun.”

…

They let Meg out of the devil’s trap and she and Cas sit down at the creaky kitchen table to talk. Since Sam and Gabriel already know what they need to know about Crowley’s and Cas’ plan to open Purgatory, they choose to talk privately outside instead. 

“So here we are again. Making deals with demons. Trusting demons. It’s gotten us to really freaking bad places before,” Sam says with a sigh. “Like the apocalypse.” Sam looks out in the dark. He can barely see anything beyond the tree line, but he is not really looking either. 

Gabriel places a hand on Sam’s arm. “Hey, it’ll be better this time. Phenomenal cosmic powers at your fingertips, right?”

Sam shrugs. “I’m not sure where your confidence in me comes from. The last time I had any type of powers, I started the apocalypse.”

“Because you were manipulated into doing it. By both my family and asshats like Meg’s family,” Gabriel points out. 

“Yeah, well, I had good intentions then. I have good intentions now. But you know what they say about good intentions, right?” Sam says with a self-deprecating smile. 

“I do,” Gabriel says. “But I can also tell you that good intentions count for something in Dad’s book,” he continues. “Sam. There are only choices. You choose whatever path you believe to be right, either for selfish reasons or for altruistic ones. Dad cares about the fact that you don’t do stuff solely for your own sake, but for others’ too. That’ll get you major brownie points upstairs.”

“I try to tell myself I don’t do stuff for selfish reasons, but I do,” Sam says quietly, picking at a loose thread on his shirt.

Gabriel snorts. “Of course you do, numbskull. You’re human. You guys are always selfish. You lie, you murder. You don’t care about other people. But Sam, that’s human nature at its worst. There’s also human nature at its best. Love, courage, caring about other people.” Gabriel places his hand underneath Sam’s chin. “Self-sacrifice.” He looks Sam in the eye. “You know, the ultimate sacrifice isn’t always dying. Doing what you did, jumping into the Cage? That’s self-sacrifice, and Sam? That’s not selfish. Not at all.”

Sam can feel Gabriel’s breath on his face. Something like electricity flares in Sam then. An encompassing yearning and want for Gabriel burns in his chest. He is pretty sure that is not something he should feel in relation to Gabriel but he cannot help it. He spent half a year lovingly putting together Gabriel’s Grace, intimately getting to know every part of him. Since they met up, there has been this tension at moments that Sam has been unwilling to identify. But he cannot deny it any longer. He is attracted to Gabriel. The asshole is just too likable for his own good. Gabriel’s memories have also endeared him to Sam. To Sam, Gabriel is warmth and peace – even if that was not how Sam knew him before, that is who Gabriel was before he was Loki and that is also who he is now. Sam is sure of it. 

Sam wants to kiss him so badly. 

“So, you two lovebirds ready to go?” Meg’s soft and sensual voice is full of teasing. 

Sam almost swears out loud as he pulls back from Gabriel with a start. 

“Demons, always at the worst time,” Gabriel says with an eye roll and a heavy sigh. 

She grins. “Aww, did I cockblock you, feathers? Hate to say it, but Sammy here? Way too hot for you.” 

Gabriel shakes his head and smirks. “You have no idea what you’re talking about. My face? The hottest you’ll ever see.”

Sam cannot resist poking him in the side. “This one or the real one?”

Gabriel grins. “Wouldn’t you like to know?” he says with an exaggerated wink.

Sam rolls his eyes and tries to ignore his blushing cheeks. “Shut up.”

Gabriel’s laugh is bright and cheerful and Sam wishes he could hear that again. Soon.


	12. Chapter 12

The crypt is not what Sam imagined. Underneath an abandoned factory is not really where Sam would expect Lucifer’s crypt to be located. Cas and Sam smash the wall in the cellar, opening up the crypt chamber. When Cas tries to step inside, he does not manage to take a single step. 

“Wards,” Cas says simply. 

Gabriel nods. “Let Sam try.” Sam can go inside. But there is an uncomfortable itch at the back of his neck like a small electric current along his spine. 

“Is it okay?” Gabriel asks from behind him. 

“Fine. Feels a little weird, but it works,” Sam says. “I guess you’ll have to stay there, though.” 

Gabriel takes a step forward. “Yeah, you’re right Samalam. You’ll know it when you see it. You’ll probably also feel it calling to you. Try to wrap it up in something as quickly as you can.” 

Sam nods. “Right.”

“Am I going to be allowed to try to go inside?” Meg asks sarcastically. 

Gabriel grins and moves out of the way. “Go right ahead.”

She also hits an invisible wall at the entrance. 

“Well, I guess Luci loves you as much as he loves us. That is to say, not at all. The only one Luci loves is himself,” Gabriel sighs. Then he perks up a little as he smirks at Sam. “Go ahead, Sammich. Save our asses.” 

Sam rolls his eyes before walking further into the crypt. The crypt is small, so Sam has no trouble locating the tablet. It is enclosed in a rock. It hurts when Sam touches it, pinpricks all over his body. He can see the angel warding on it, and he suspects it affects him a little even if he is not fully an angel. He tries to break the stone with force, but it hurts. It hurts a lot. Sam suddenly has flashes of another time and place, in the deepest pit in Hell. He wants to vomit as his senses are assaulted by flames, meat hooks, and Lucifer’s cruel laugh. He tries to focus, but it is hard ignoring his own soul’s tortured screams inside his head. 

“Sam? Are you all right?” Sam hears Cas’ voice from far, far away. Slowly, he comes back to himself. 

“I’m fine!” he yells back, his attention snapped back to the now. He summons up as great a force as he can muster and crushes the rock with his bare hands. The tablet is revealed and Sam feels something like a sonic boom goes through him. The power emanating from the tablet is even greater than Sam would have suspected. Sam felt powerful before, but nothing like this. He understands what Gabriel meant about the power of the tablet now, because Sam is certain this is the power of God. The tablet is singing to him like sweet church bells in his head. 

He pulls off his jacket and wraps up the tablet, before slowly walking outside to the others.

“Got what we came for?” Gabriel asks, but Sam knows that it is a needless question. All three of the others look straight at the bundle in Sam’s arms. 

Sam nods and holds up his jacket. “Let’s blow this joint.” 

Meg grins. “I agree. I held up my end of the deal, let’s-“ She loses her grin as she turns silent and looks around. “Demons!” she hisses. “Crowley’s been watching you, Clarence!” She glares accusingly at Cas who manages to actually look a little guilty. 

“Shit,” Sam says quietly. “What do we do now?” They might be powerful, but Crowley is the King and if he brought muscle they will lose a lot of time. A lot of time they might not have anymore; if Crowley could sense the tablet has been unveiled, then odds are so can Raphael. 

“You go. I’ll hold them off,” Cas says as he brandishes his angel blade. Sam and Gabriel do not move. “Go!” he tells them impatiently. “You too, Meg.”

She shakes her head and brandishes an angel blade of her own. “Nu-uh, I need to protect my investment. A hot angel owing me a favor? Clarence, you’re practically a unicorn. I’m staying. You two knuckleheads go. Save the world, then have victory sex like the idiots you are.” She pats Cas on the shoulder. “If we survive this, I’ll show you how to enjoy that hot bod you’re wearing too, Clarence. Now get out of here, idiots!” 

Sam and Gabriel simultaneously roll their eyes, but then Sam grabs Gabriel and they fly. Sam has no particular destination in mind, just far away from people and civilians that might get hurt if Raphael finds them. 

“So… we’re in the Sahara desert? Kind of a lame place for a showdown, don’t you think?” Gabriel says as he looks around. 

“We don’t know if he’s coming, so it’s not sure it’ll be a showdown just yet. I just picked something without a lot of people. I don’t want anyone getting hurt because your brother is a dick.”

Gabriel nods, squeezing Sam’s arm. “Good call.” He gestures to the sky. “Trust me, my Brother is coming. He can feel the location of the tablet just as well as we can.” 

“Okay,” Sam says and brandishes his angel blade.

Gabriel places his hand on top of Sam’s hand on the blade’s handle. “Whoa, no. The whole point of this exercise is not stabbing people, Sammy.”

Sam almost laughs at that, but then the ground quakes. “He’s coming,” Gabriel says quietly. He looks down at their hands and then up at Sam’s face. “Be careful. Distract him. Don’t kill him.” Then he grabs onto Sam’s neck and pulls him down for a quick chaste kiss. It tingles on Sam’s lips. “Good luck.”

“You too,” Sam says. He has no idea what Gabriel is going to do with the tablet, but he cannot afford to be distracted now. He nods to Gabriel and flies a short distance away, towards where he is feeling Raphael’s presence. 

Rapahel appears, inside a new vessel with a blade out. She looks at Sam. “Abomination,” She hisses. “Where is the tablet?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Sam says with a shrug as he fakes being completely oblivious. He does it quite badly, but he figures it does not matter. She knows that Sam either has the tablet or knows where it is. Sam does not care, he just needs to buy Gabriel some time for whatever he needs to do to use it. 

“Give me the tablet,” she demands. “It’s not for abominations like yourself to use. Neither is it for those who are misled like my younger brother.”

“Which brother?” Sam asks. “’Cause I hear you’re not too popular with several of them at least. Something about you wanting to start the apocalypse again.” He knows it is a bad idea to rile her up, but he has precious few options at the moment. 

She ignores his questions with a sneer. “Humans like you, always so full of themselves. You cannot even begin to fathom my Father’s plan. He intended for this world to end, and I intend to see his plans through.” Raphael pauses and stands firmly, excluding pride and haughtiness. “I’m a good child. A true follower of my Father’s plan. I will see it completed.” Sam is actually kind of sad to know that she has a point. Raphael truly believes she is doing God’s work. His conversation with Gabriel on good intentions echo in his mind. He feels sorry for her. He is not so certain he is doing the right thing, but he knows that what Raphael intends to do will cast the world into chaos and ruin. Sam cannot accept that. He will not accept that.

“I think you’ll find God’s plan has changed,” Sam says calmly, as he wonders how long he can manage to keep her occupied. “If God didn’t raise me, I wouldn’t be here. I don’t think he’d bring me back without a purpose. Giving me Grace, Lucifer’s Grace? He certainly wants me to do something, and I’m pretty sure what he wants me to do is stop you. So I will.” He changes his grip around the angel blade, gripping it more firmly. With every word he speaks, he stands firmer. He will do what he thinks is right. This time, he will not be led astray. He will not falter.

“You’re an even bigger abomination than before with that stolen Grace of yours! How dare you even suggest that you know my Father’s plan?” she says, also changing her grip on her blade. She looks more agitated now, changing her weight. It looks like she is measuring him up and trying to find his weaknesses. 

“I don’t,” Sam says. “I don’t claim to know anything about His plan. All I know is that what you’re doing? It’s wrong.” He says it with conviction in his voice, because he firmly believes it now. He trusts Gabriel, who has tried to lead him onto the right path in the past. If this is what Gabriel thinks is right, Sam will trust both him and his own gut feeling. He has no idea where God is or what his plan might be, but he knows that killing innocent people is wrong. It is always wrong. 

“I don’t have to debate this matter with you,” she says. “I will kill you and confine your soul to Heaven until I let my brothers out of their Cage.” 

“You’ll try,” Sam says as he grips his own blade tighter and widens his stance. He braces for impact, he knows this will hurt.

She is faster than light. Sam barely has time to put up his blade to block hers when she charges. He dodges out of the way and spins around to meet her once again, right in front of his own face. She is quick and uses her powers to throw him away, making him almost fall head first into the thick, warm sand of the desert. Sam is thankful that he does not feel the heat too much. 

Sam gets up as quickly as he can. The sand makes it difficult to maintain his balance as usual. His feet are heavy, but he manages to get up quickly enough to block Raphael’s next strike. He tries to figure out her pattern, but the truth is that she is a much better swordsman than he. He tries to access Gabriel’s memories. To his dismay he finds that Gabriel’s grasp on sword fighting is not a lot better than Sam’s own. Gabriel seems to prefer stealth and subterfuge, something Sam normally would appreciate, but it does not help him at the moment. Sam is normally good at handling blades, but the woman standing before him was created before the whole world. Her experience and quickness makes Sam easy prey.

Jesus, Sam thinks to himself as Raphael’s hand meets his chest and he is pushed away with great force. Gabriel better do whatever he plans to do soon. He stands up as quickly as he can, but he cannot manage to get up fast enough to fully block her strike. His arm burns as her blade slices deep into the flesh. He distantly realizes that he bleeds as the cut leaks both Grace and blood. 

“Hey Raphael.” As if on cue, Gabriel is beside him. He is holding the tablet in both of his hands. The writing on it is glowing golden as Gabriel steps closer to Raphael. Sam sighs in relief, but he keeps a tight hold on his blade. He is not taking any chances. Gabriel might not want to kill his siblings, but Sam will if need be. 

“Brother,” she says. Almost casually she pushes Sam away with a burst of power. He lands face down in the sand a couple of meters away from the two siblings. He groans in pain as he moves to sit up in the sand again, needing to at least see what is happening. “Are you coming home at last?”

Gabriel shakes his head in sorrow as he looks at his brother for the first time in over a millennia. “No. I’m not. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”

“For what?” she asks shortly. “Abandoning us? Letting us believe you were dead? For becoming a monster, unfit of Father’s Grace and benevolence?” Her voice rises with each accusation. 

“All of it,” Gabriel says. ”All right? All of it.” If he was not holding the tablet, Sam thinks Gabriel would have thrown his hands in the air. “I failed and I know it. I’m not a good son. I wish I was, I’ve told myself that I’ve been a good son but that isn’t true. We both know it. Dad knows it! But I couldn’t take it. The fighting, the rules and the endless talk of the apocalypse. So I left! Found a new family, tried moving on. But everything comes full circle with us, right? Lucifer killed me, I should have stayed dead.” He nods towards Sam, who is still sitting in the sand. “But I didn’t. Sam used Lucifer’s Grace and brought me back.” Gabriel looks at his brother. “So I won’t be staying. Soon, I’ll be gone again. Permanently, like dear ol’ Dad. Except well, I’ll be dead – he isn’t.”  
Raphael looks at him intently. “Then what do you intend to do with the tablet, Brother?”

“I don’t want to have to do anything. But I have to. You’ll throw Heaven into chaos, Raphael. You’ll get our siblings killed. Or worse. I won’t allow it.” There is a thread of Gabriel’s true voice in the words. 

“So, you’re going to kill me instead?” She raises her blade in defense. 

“No.” Gabriel closes his eyes. His body glows brightly before he leaves it. Glowing smoke bursts from the vessel’s mouth and Gabriel’s true form take shape. He is huge, nearly reaching the stars. The shape looks almost like a mirage, unclear at the edges. Sam does not know if that is because of Gabriel’s predicament with his powers or just that he is not supposed to manifest himself like this on Earth. The tablet leaves Gabriel’s vessel’s hand and is transferred to the clutches of Gabriel’s true form. His three pairs of wings glow like melted gold. He is dressed in a white cloak spun out of his own Grace. His face glows underneath the hood. Sam feels like bacteria next to him; he is in awe of the archangel. 

The tablet grows brighter.

“Raphael. I confine you to prison in Heaven, until you can be released when we’re sure you’re not going to start the apocalypse again.” The giant being hesitates. “I’m sorry.” Raphael tries to lash out towards her brother. Gabriel just gestures calmly with his claw-like hand, and she is frozen on the spot. 

Raphael looks defiant but she does not say anything. Gabriel glows even brighter. Sam almost cannot look anymore but he is just too curious for his own good. Suddenly, Gabriel’s hood is thrown back by the force that gathers around him as he summons up more power. Sam gasps. 

Gabriel’s eyes are completely golden on his almost skeletal face. That is the source of the constant glowing from underneath the hood in Sam’s memories that he got from Gabriel. Gabriel’s true form is beautiful and terrifying all at once. His face is thin, almost gaunt. It looks like it might be made of bone, but Sam knows that is not the case. He has nothing that might pass for a nose and his skeletal mouth is set in a firm line. All of Gabriel is now glowing. The tablet explodes in a bright light. Sam has to close his eyes as that happens. Even with his angel powers, he cannot stand the bright glow. 

Sam hears a loud scream that he is certain would pierce glass if there was any nearby. When he opens his eyes Raphael is smoking out of her vessel and straight into a shining cube that Gabriel is holding between his gigantic skeletal hands. It is almost as if the tablet has turned into a prison, made just for Raphael. Sam gets shivers as his mind likens it to the making of Lucifer’s Cage. He knows Gabriel would never torture his brother, but he still has to concentrate to shake off the dread that rises in his stomach.   
The ground quakes. Gabriel’s form twitches. He does something to the glowing box, cradling it even tighter than before. The ground shakes again and now it is not stopping. Sam squints as something falls off of Gabriel’s form. He tries to make it out amidst the glowing and shaking and it takes him a while to figure out that it is feathers. Sam feels it before he sees it. The small parts of Gabriel that he spent the better part of a year putting back together are disintegrating again. Gabriel is shrinking, contracting and changing shape. Grace is falling off of him in chunks now. Sam is afraid he might explode. He does not fear for himself, but for Gabriel. He might not be able to put him back together a second time. 

“Sam,” the gigantic angel calls with his dying breath. Sam does not want to acknowledge the fact, but in his heart he knows the truth. Gabriel is dying right in front of his eyes. “I’m sorry.” Then, almost with a laugh in his voice, “Don’t do anything stupid without me.” He pauses slightly before uttering a quiet, final word. “Goodbye.”

“Gabriel” Wait-!” Then there is an atom bomb going off and Sam has to close his eyes as he is thrown down into the sand again from the sheer force of it. 

He screams in both pain and frustration as he feels Gabriel scatter again. He has no idea how long he screams or for how long he just lies there in the sand, refusing to open his eyes. He is crying, but he does not want to open his eyes and find Gabriel’s empty vessel there, without Gabriel inside it.

He cries. He has no idea what to do now. 

“Sam.” He hears the beat of Cas’ wings. “I-”

Sam continues crying and ignores him. 

“Sam. We should move, I-” Cas is interrupted by Meg.

“Save it, Clarence. Little Winchester’s in shock. Let’s just grab him and blow this joint,” she says. Sam feels hands on him. He struggles. 

“No. No… please,” he says weakly. “Please.” He pushes away the hands as he finally opens his eyes. He crawls over to Gabriel’s empty vessel, smudging the burns of wings as he crawls almost on top of Gabriel. 

“I can fix this. I know I can. I did it before, I have the time. I can.” He touches his hands to the vessel’s chest. 

“Sam, that isn’t advisable. He isn’t going to come back.”

Sam nods distractedly. “Yes he is. I did it before. I can do it again.”

He ignores what Cas and Meg say. He focuses on all the Grace inside him, forcing as much of it as possible to awaken at once. It burns, his body burns from the power inside. He has never used this much before, but he does not care. He needs Gabriel back. He needs him now. 

“Sam! Stop this madness!” Cas cries out. 

Lucifer’s Grace burns as Sam pulls together as much of Gabriel as he can. The pieces are smaller than last time and not as powerful. Sam needs more power than he is currently using. He needs to find them all. He cannot feel the outside world anymore as he calls on even more power. There is nothing but his burning Grace and Gabriel. He knows what is going to happen if he does not stop soon. He will burn himself out, but he does not care. He cries out in pain from the burning inside him and then everything turns black.


	13. Chapter 13

“You know, humans aren’t even supposed to end up here.” Something light touches his face. “But I guess you’re not just human, Sam. You’re very different from other humans I’ve known, that’s for certain. And I’ve known all of them. None of them are like you.”

Sam slowly blinks his eyes open. “Where am I?” 

There is a chuckle from beside him. “On the precipice between this life and the next. But since you are what you are, the universe isn’t quite sure where to send you.”

“I killed myself trying to bring Gabriel back?” Sam asks as he focuses on whoever is talking. It is Chuck’s face staring down at him with a gentle smile, but Sam knows without a doubt that he is in the presence of God. 

God’s smile disappears. “Yes.”

“Did I do it?” Sam asks. 

God slowly shakes his head. “No. You did it once, but Gabriel was right. Even with Lucifer’s Grace, you can’t bring back an archangel, Sam.”

“But-” Sam begins but God interrupts him. 

“Why is this so important to you?” God asks. He sounds genuinely curious. 

“Wasn’t this what you raised me for?” Sam asks. “Wasn’t this the plan when you gave me powers?”

“And since when have either you or your brother been concerned with following the script before?” God asks pointedly, but there is laughter in his voice too.

Sam has to chuckle at that. “True enough.” He shrugs. “I don’t know. I broke the world; I fixed it by sacrificing myself. Then I was back, I had powers and didn’t know what to do. Cas didn’t answer, I didn’t want to destroy the life that Dean had built. He was happy. I…” Sam hesitates. “I thought about going back to Hell. To get answers. To understand-” he gestures to himself “-all this. But it wasn’t as easy as that. I’ve been pretty numb when it comes to feelings this last year, ever since I came back but I couldn’t bring myself to go there. If I was sleeping, I’d probably have nightmares. I have flashbacks now, but I can handle them at least.” 

Sam scratches his neck and feels the embarrassment burning on his face. “When I first thought I’d try to resurrect Gabriel… I wasn’t thrilled. I mean, he killed Dean a hundred times over. He hid as a trickster, disguised himself as Loki… what kind of an angel does that?” Sam sighs. “But he stood up for us in the end. For humanity. He made his choice and took a stand and he was killed for it.” Sam pauses and looks God straight in the eye. “He didn’t deserve that. Especially as he sacrificed himself for us once again.” 

God does not answer but he looks away. Sam is silent because he does not know what to say. 

“I used to be proud of him, you know,” God says. “Gabriel was always the one who was the fondest of humans, of my creations.” God looks at Sam again with sorrow on his face. “But when he left, he was twisted into something petty and wicked. He was no longer my son. He was no longer my righteous instrument of justice.” 

Sam wonders what would happen if he punched God. “So that’s why,” he says slowly as he tries reining in his emotions. “That’s why you won’t bring him back. You think he deserves to stay dead for what he did when he was on Earth.”

God still looks sorrowful as he nods. “Yes.” 

“That’s bull crap.” Normally Sam would be more polite, but now he is angry. God looks almost surprised at his outburst. “You left. You left him with fighting siblings who didn’t care that he was caught in the cross fire.” Sam points at his head. “He gave me all his memories, you know? He was lost without you and he couldn’t stand to see his family tearing itself apart. I know he’s made mistakes, but seriously? We’ve all made mistakes. We’ve all hurt people. Humans and angels alike. It’s hypocritical of you to judge Gabriel harder than me. He sacrificed himself just as much as I did and he didn’t start the apocalypse. He just tried to protect himself from the hurt that you and his siblings caused him.” 

God is silent for a while. His face betrays nothing as he thinks. “I hope my son knows how much love you have for him.” 

Sam has not put it in those words himself, but he knows that God speaks the truth. He does love Gabriel, even if he never expected it at the start of this whole thing. Sam shrugs. “It doesn’t really matter. I just want him to be treated like the loyal son that he is. Even when he tries to not let it show, he is and will always be your son.”

“Very well.” Sam does not feel any power rushing from God as God closes his eyes and gets a serene smile on his face. He smiles at Sam when he opens his eyes again. “Gabriel is restored.”

“Thank you,” Sam says, and he really means it. 

God just smiles. “Now. What of you?” 

Sam shrugs. “I don’t know. I still have no idea what you wanted me to do when you raised me… did I do what you wanted me to?”

God shrugs. “For once, I didn’t actually have a plan fully thought out. I hoped you might help Castiel, which you did. I hoped you would use your powers for good, which you did. You tried righting as many wrongs as you could. I’m proud of you, Sam Winchester.”

“What was the point of all of it?” Sam asks, ignoring the churning in his gut when God says he is proud of him. It warms him more than he would like to admit that God does not think of him as an abomination.

God smiles mysteriously. “You don’t have to fear the powers inside you, Sam. You’ve proven to yourself that you are good. You are a good person. There is no reason to hate yourself so much. You’ve done good things, you’ve sacrificed so much and asked nothing in return. Sam, you are forgiven. For everything. Try to forgive yourself, too.”

Sam is speechless as tears well up in his eyes. “I-” He tries to speak but the words get stuck in his throat. The room rumbles around him and God. 

“It seems you weren’t the only one with great love. Gabriel is trying to bring you back.” God places a hand on Sam’s shoulder. “I’ll help him along.” The room shakes again. “Tell him I’m proud of him and that I’ll be back in Heaven the day he sees fit to return.” God squeezes Sam’s shoulder. “Be well, Sam. I’ll see you many years from now.” 

Sam closes his eyes, but opens them again when God speaks yet again. “Oh, and Sam? You’ll be back to your normal self once you wake up. I know how important it is to you. No more powers, no more demon blood. I promise. I also know how much you missed your family. Go and see them again. They miss you too, more than you know. Goodbye, Sam.”

Then everything explodes in a bright white light.


	14. Chapter 14

Sam gasps as he comes to. He is lying on his back in the sand with a frantic looking Gabriel sitting on top of him. As Sam breathes heavily, Gabriel slaps him lightly on his cheek. “You are an idiot. You’re the biggest, stupidest, most idiotic-” Sam interrupts him by pulling him down for a kiss. 

For once, Gabriel is speechless. Sam hears Meg’s giggle, but all he cares about is Gabriel’s astounded face. Gabriel just stares at Sam. 

“Cas?” Sam asks.

“Yes, Sam?” 

“Send us to your brother’s apartment, because he appears to be in shock. We’ll call you later,” Sam says and grabs Gabriel loosely around the waist. 

“Fine. We’ll see you later,” Cas says. Sam hears the smile in his voice as he steps forward and places his fingers against both Sam’s and Gabriel’s foreheads. They fly and Cas is gone as soon as they touch down. Sam and Gabriel land in a heap on the living room floor in Gabriel’s apartment. Gabriel still does not say anything. He just stares at Sam in something akin to awe.

“Your Father told me to tell you that he’s proud of you and… when you go back to Heaven, so will He,” Sam says with a smile. 

Gabriel speaks for the first time since Sam kissed him. “You met Dad?”

Sam nods. “We talked. I convinced him to bring you back.”

Gabriel arches an eyebrow. “You convinced him?”

Sam shrugs and looks away as he feels embarrassment burning on his cheeks. “Well, I basically told him that you were a good son and that you loved him, even when you left Heaven and that you sacrificed yourself for humanity twice and that you deserved better.” It all comes out in a rush. 

Sam feels Gabriel’s hand on his chin and his face is gently guided towards Gabriel’s own. Gabriel kisses him gently. “Thank you, Sam,” Gabriel says quietly as he pulls away. Then he grins mischievously. “So… you kissed me. Does that mean you’d be willing to take a tour of my bed?”

Sam rolls his eyes at Gabriel’s inability to take anything seriously for more than five minutes. He is about to tell him off, but changes his mind. Sam grins wickedly at Gabriel. “More than willing. Lead the way.”

Gabriel cannot hide his initial surprise but he snaps his fingers quickly. Sam lands on his back on Gabriel’s huge soft bed. Gabriel is on top of him and Sam’s body burns with lust and desire. Gabriel’s mouth devours his, and it is so hot and warm. It leaves Sam panting when they part to breathe. Gabriel grins widely at him. “Oh, Samster. I’m gonna teach you everything I know.” 

Sam rolls his eyes at Gabriel at the same time as he lets one of his hands travel downwards on Gabriel’s chest and stomach. “You already did, remember?” God has not removed Gabriel’s memories it seems. 

Gabriel grins even wider at that. “Oh, this is going to be so much fun.”

Sam grins as he grabs Gabriel’s belt and almost wishes he still had angel strength so he could just tear it apart. He does not care about finesse. He just needs to feel Gabriel naked against himself. He needs to touch Gabriel, to reassure himself that Gabriel is there and still whole. Gabriel is apparently thinking the same thing as Sam, because he pulls Sam down for a kiss. Simultaneously he snaps his fingers and then Sam and Gabriel are against each other, skin to skin. 

Sam moans loudly as he feels Gabriel’s dick against his own. He arches against Gabriel, clutching him closer as Gabriel does something completely magical with his tongue. Sam has never been this close to coming so fast before in his life. He grabs Gabriel’s ass and grinds against him, making Gabriel groan.

“Fuck, Sam.” He hisses and flips them over in a move he would not be able to execute unless he was a supernatural being. 

“Wha-” Sam does not even manage to complete the word before there is a glorious wet heat on his dick. He moans loudly as Gabriel takes him deep, sucking hard. Sam arches off the bed and grabs onto Gabriel’s golden locks.  
It does not take much until Sam is on the edge. 

“Gabriel-” he tries weakly as he feels the end coming up on him fast. Gabriel looks at him and Sam cannot help himself. He comes with a groan and Gabriel’s mouth still around him. When he stops twitching, Gabriel pulls off him with a smirk on his face.  
  
Sam rolls his eyes as he grabs onto Gabriel and pulls him up for a kiss. As they kiss he lets his hand travel, first across Gabriel’s back and then his stomach and then down to his dick. He does not use finesse or tease. He just goes straight for getting Gabriel off. Gabriel likes it a lot, if the small hitches his hips make are anything to go by. Sam kisses his way down to Gabriel’s neck and when Gabriel’s breath hitches Sam bites down on the junction between Gabriel’s neck and shoulder. Gabriel comes with a loud groan, coating his own and Sam’s stomach in his come. 

They lie there, panting in silence. Sam feels tired for the first time since he was raised from the Cage. As his eyes close Gabriel laughs quietly and hugs him closer. “Sleep, Sammich. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

Sam relaxes, and falls asleep for the first time since he was brought back.


	15. Chapter 15

Sam looks at the house again. He sighs and automatically tries to take a step back. A hand on his back stops him.

“Don’t even think about it, Sammich. Your brother might be an even bigger idiot than most of mine, but he needs to know you’re alive.”

“He’s gonna hate me,” Sam mutters, looking at his shoes. Sam has been gone for a long time now. 

Gabriel rolls his eyes. “For five minutes. He’s gonna work himself into a tizzy and then he’ll remember how much he loves you. Now, get to it.” Gabriel accentuates the last part with a little push, making Sam stumble forward. Sam hears the telltale sound of Gabriel’s clicking fingers, then the door opens. 

Sam looks up. Dean stares at him. Sam can hear Gabriel snickering, until he suddenly is very serious as he steps up beside Sam. “Rejoice, Dean Winchester. Your brother has returned to you.” 

“Hi, Dean,” Sam says weakly. Dean is frozen for a few seconds before he runs toward Sam and hugs him hard. 

“Sammy,” Dean says. “Sammy.” Sam can hear the tears in his voice, he can hear the wonder. 

It feels good to be home.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all for reading this story and super-huge-mega-awesome thanks for encouraging me with all your kind words. This story is dedicated to everyone who has taken the time to comment, favorite and leave kudos on my works. Thank you all!


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